You know, a lot of people have mocked Donald J. Trump’s campaign slogan, “Make American Great Again,” for a whole lot of reasons. They say it’s meaningless. They say it implies that people who are progressive make the country worse and is therefore just a pure insult. They say that it makes no sense since Republicans are always telling us how great the country is and would be if libtarded liberals just got out of Americans’ ways.

But we did some in-depth research and is it turns out, it is entirely possible that Trump will in fact make America great again…and here’s how!

#3. Donald Trump will make you feel safe again (if you’re white)

Everyone knows that the most picked-upon, victimized and scrutinized population in this country is white people. I mean, sure, Congress is mostly white, the Supreme Court is mostly white, and white people dominate pop culture. But you know what? That doesn’t mean anything because of all the dangerous murderers, rapists, and drug dealers that Mexico is sending us in their “Send Our Drug Dealers, Rapists and Murderers” program they started last year. Not to mention all those widows and orphans among the Syrian refugee population that wants to come settle here. How can we trust people who are fleeing the very people we are scared shitless of? What, you think our common enemy would bond us together or something?

Thank God Donald Trump is here to make America feel safe again for the dominant, majority racial group.

#2. Donald Trump will shelter you from religious persecution (if you’re white and Christian)

Donald Trump (and Ted Cruz) understand one, key thing about the First Amendment: it only applies to Christians. Oh, you won’t actually find that in any of its text, and you’ll be hard-pressed to find an actual respected law professor who will back that idea up, but that won’t stop Trump from suggesting we should bar people from entering the country based on their religion, or Cruz to suggest we should monitor “Muslim neighborhoods.” That’s because these two titans of intellectual acuity know this is a Christian nation, despite there being no reference to God in the over 7,000 words in the Constitution. So Trump will be the guy keeping Christians safe from persecution, and he’ll rightly let the other religious, or worse atheist Americans twist in the wind, just as James Madison envisioned.

#1. Donald Trump will fix the economy for you (if you’re white and rich)

Don’t you worry, rich white people! Donald Trump hasn’t forgotten about you! Donald being a billionaire himself means that he is uniquely in tune with what people who have more money than God need out of their government…and it’s literally their government now. So while some might argue that Donald will simply just be a proponent of Reagaonmics on PCP, good, clean, ammo-hoarding American patriots know that the Donald will simply be looking out for who the founders truly meant when they said that all were created equally…only the super-duper wealthy.


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