Moochers. If there’s one thing no Republican likes, it’s a moocher. Unless they’re being one by siphoning taxpayer dollars into their bank accounts without actually doing their jobs, like say, holding a vote on a presidential Supreme Court nominee, just because they’re not the ones controlling the White House. But they’d never do that, right? And besides, even if they did exactly that in some weird, alternate universe where Republicans have been taking taxpayer money to essentially run a non-stop scandal investigation slush fund for eight years, they still wouldn’t be moochers, and here are four reasons why!

#4. They’re not poor

The real moochers are poor people, everyone knows that. Even though President Bill Clinton worked with a Republican congress to enact welfare reforms that pretty much force you to be working at least a little bit to qualify, no one knows that. So Republicans are able to rightly pin all the “moocher” labels they want on poor people. And sure, corporate welfare costs this country twice as much as social welfare programs do, but again, corporations aren’t poor people. They’re just regular people, according the never-wrong Chief Justice John Roberts.

The same theory applies to Republicans in the Senate. Since they’re all not poor, it’s literally impossible for them to be moochers.

#3. They’re (mostly) not minorities

One thing is for damn sure, the number of Republicans who are from a minority group and hold national office can probably be counted on all your fingers and toes. Well, unless you’re from Alabama, and then you get to fit one extra Republican on your feet, but three less on your right hand, thanks to inbreeding. But the point is that Republicans know what every good, clean, God-fearing and ammo-hoarding American patriot knows — only minorities are moochers. Hence why we have the term “Welfare Queen” in the first pace, right?

#2 They’re Republicans

Republicans don’t mooch. It doesn’t matter if you’re a politician or a regular ol’ voter — Republicans don’t ever take money they didn’t earn. Unless they’re taking money from a lobbyist. But that’s different because “reasons.” And yeah, sure, if you want to think about it this way, as poor as red states like Kansas and Mississippi are right now, there are probably a shit load of Republican voters in those states taking welfare assistance from both the state and the feds, but that’s also different because “shut up, hippie!”

#1. They said so, that’s why

Honestly they really don’t need any other reason than this. Republicans and Democrats alike are really good at spinning their opinions as facts, but Republicans take the taco for their ability to be so delusional as to think that sitting on their asses and collecting a paycheck under the guise of “protecting our Constitution” is any better than someone struggling to get by and needing a little help from the taxpayers to feed their family. So if Republicans say they aren’t moochers, they aren’t moochers damnit, no matter how much what they’re doing completely and utterly fits the description of one.


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