Bernie Sanders is toast. Kaput. Done-zo. He has zero shot to win! At least this is what many, many people in the media and who support Hillary Clinton believe, per all the op-eds, blog posts and social media commentary to that effect. And you know what? They’re totally, absolutely right! So what that it’s only March and that in 2008 Hillary didn’t drop out until June, by which point the writing was really on the wall, but ignore that! It’s different now! Because “socialism” and “electability,” and also these three reasons.

#1. There are only 35 states left to hold caucuses or primaries

Sure, maybe if there were, like, 38 or 40 states left we’d say that Bernie had a chance, but there are only way over half of the states left, many of which were won by Barack Obama in 2008 and could be presumed would go to another, not-Hillary candidate. It’s really naive and simple thinking to believe that Hillary Clinton won’t sweep every single state left. What, you think just because Bernie took Oklahoma and Obama didn’t that means Sanders has a shot to do more of the same? Besides all that, we as Americans know that football is played for one quarter and baseball is only played for four innings, tops.

#2. Americans are afraid to elect someone who is openly in favor of socialist policies (less than four times)

Socialism is evil. Socialism is bad. Socialism would never work in America! I mean, other than Social Security, which has never missed a payment. Oh, and Medicaid and medicare. But you know, since socialist programs don’t completely end poverty, they’re not worth it. And more importantly — this country has never elected a socialist…less than four times. But before you crow about that, don’t! Sure, FDR was elected four times, but Bernie could only be elected twice, proving that socialism is already half as strong as it was just under a hundred years ago.

#3. Change is hard, and Americans never go for it (except when they do)

If there is one undeniable truth in America, it’s that we never, ever do change. We’re still buying our flintlock muskets to exercise our Second Amendment rights. When our dishwashers break down we go out and buy another…at a slave auction. When we want to know how a woman will vote in an election, we tell her. When we want to let LGBTQ people have the same basic rights we do; we don’t. Nothing ever changes in America, ever. We just work hard in the field all day, pray to the One, True, All-American God™ at night, and have sex purely for the purpose of making more beautiful right, white and blue patriotic babies, never for fun.

I mean, sure, we have I guess on some level changed our cultural and social mores several times in our history. And yeah, if you want to get technical Bernie’s not even proposing true socialism where the government owns the means of production and distribution of all business enterprises, but hey! Shut up libtard! Your “facts” hurt my talking points! Remember — nothing ever changes in this country ever. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get in my horseless carriage and go buy some ice from the train depot, it just got arrived!


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