I don’t know what’s more hilarious to me, that there is actually an “NRA Family” organization and website, or the fact that they’ve been putting out “gunned-up” versions of classic fairy tales, and no, that’s not satire. The NRA is really and truly putting out stories like “Little Red Riding Hood (Has a Gun)” and “Hansel and Gretel (Had Guns.” The stories are basically the old stories of yore, except you know, with guns.

I guess the best way to stop a big, bad, wolf with a gun is with a little girl in a red hood with a gun? I’m not too sure. But this whole thing got me thinking about what other stories the NRA could gun-up, and I think I’ve got some really great possibilities here.

#3. “Of Mice and Men and a Shitload of Firearms”

Maybe the NRA could take a crack at this John Steinback classic. There are already guns in this book, but there aren’t enough guns, if you know what I mean. What good is it for (SPOILER ALERT) George to shoot Lennie in the back of the head with just one handgun? This story takes place in America, damnit! With a Second Amendment, goddamnit! So that means George needs to have no less than 52 guns on his person, as any law-abiding, good, clean, ammo-hoarding patriot does. The final scene would be pretty much the same, except after putting a single bullet into Lennie’s head, he then spends two hours emptying 65 distinct firearms — all described in meticulous detail — into Lennie’s corpse. For freedom.

#2. “Old Yeller’s Packin’ Heat”

You know what they say, only a good dog with rabies and a gun can stop a central protagonist with a gun, right? Well, Old Yeller is packin’ heat too in this revamp of a classic. Just like “Of Mice and Men,” though, this story already has guns in it, so to gun it up, the NRA will need to give Old Yeller, the rabid dog at the heart of the story, the means to protect himself. Maybe they could give Old Yeller a special shotgun designed for four-legged animals. Or maybe they’ll give him a .44 magnum that has true stopping power. Either way, Travis is fucked if he thinks he’s going to get off a kill shot on Yeller without a fight!

#1. “The Great Gatsby’s Great Shootout”

Again, SPOILER ALERT, but at the end of “The Great Gatsby,” F. Scott Fitzgerald’s brilliant commentary on the indulgences of the well-off in the Roaring 20’s, the main character is killed over a misunderstanding. But in this re-telling of the classic novel, the NRA has given Gatsby the means to fight back. Just like a real shooting incident though, Gatsby still is taken by surprise and so he doesn’t really have a chance to get a shot off and still dies…but hey, at least he had a gun in his own hand when he died this time, eh?


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