Last night in Detroit, Michigan, four middle-aged white guys told/yelled at the country about why they should be president, discussed their packages, and ate boogers. They also allegedly held a presidential primary debate.

Everyone knows that every debate is about one simple thing: Who wins and who loses. Okay, so two simple things. But who won and who lost last night? Well, we’re going to answer that question for you right now and tell you how to think — er, we mean, let the facts as presented dictate your opinion.

Winner: Ted Cruz’s Booger

Now, you might be asking yourself how a booger can be a winner. You might be asking yourself how it could be considered a winner when it clearly will be the moment historians and political scientists point to years and years from now as the exact moment when Ted Cruz permanently lost all hope of being the nominee or president. Well, here’s how it’s a winner: It died last night. Sure, it had to die being eaten by a big asshole, but it died knowing it would never have to live in a world where Donald J. Trump is president, and that it never had to attend another GOP debate again.

None of us can say either of those things, can we?

Loser:Ted Cruz’s Ear, Nose, and Throat Doctor

Unfortunately, it’s not a ringing endorsement to have one of your most famous patients leaking from the face and then eating said leakage if you’re an ENT doctor. Then again, maybe it doesn’t matter. I’m not a doctor; I’m a comedian and I needed a yin to my yang. So, like, whatever man.

Winner: The American People

Hear me out on this one. Watching every minute of last night’s booger and boner-filled bonanza of bodacious brainlessness would certainly make anyone feel like a loser, but ultimately well-informed about the Republican Party today. The way I see it, if you happened to be scrolling by Fox News last night and stumbled onto it, at the very least you came away from the debate knowing without a doubt you cannot in good conscience let America’s B-team run the country again. So maybe you’re a winner for having exposed yourself to losers?

Loser: The American People

But, well, then again maybe not. Ultimately, we all lose because we live in a country where there are pretty much only two political parties. I know Green Partiers and Lolbertaryan Partiers, you want to be included. And you should be. But right now the big dogs are sucking the oxygen out of the room, and one of the dogs is replacing that clean air with putrid dog farts. This latest debate shows us without a doubt that one of the parties is lost; completely and utterly lost. That doesn’t mean that they can’t recover, but right now, we all lose because there’s no on to keep the Democrats honest. Yay us!


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