In the Donald Trump Era, nothing is normal.
For instance, if Chelsea Clinton’s husband was caught setting up a back channel with Russians, Congressional Republicans would be tripping over their own dicks to impeach Hillary. If just one of Hillary’s top campaign officials had been forced to quit, resign, or fake-recuse themselves, the GOP would be literally smacking their chops just waiting to devour HRC. So when we found out this week that Capt. Orange Face McPussyGrabber is starting a subscription box service like Loot Crate, I wasn’t surprised, not even in the slightest.
But I was confused about is the fine print, the nuts and the bolts. The details, man, the details. So I did some research. And by “research” I mean that I googled “Trump’s Box.” But what I found there was a whole lot of pictures of Don’s wife’s vagina. I wonder if they traumatized him as much as that mean comedian lady holding up an obviously fake Trump head did. I mean, I know I’d be way more damaged by seeing my mother’s pussy than I would be seeing a fake decapitated head, no matter whose it was.
Anyfuck, I got bored looking for details on the Trump subscription box, and so I made some shit about it. And to borrow a phrase from the Orange Dick Weasel in Chief — ENJOY!
10 Things to Know About Trump’s Subscription Box
#10. All Gloves, Mittens, or Rings Will Be Available in Toddler to “Big Boy” Sizes
Everything about the Trump Box is tailored to the president’s own, unique tastes and desires. He wants you to get the “Full Donald” experience. And that includes only buying products designed for the tiniest of hands.
#9. All Sales Are Final; All Prices Are In Rubles
It’s just good business sense to not accept refunds on anything branded with the Trump name. You’d spend most of your time just giving out refunds. Not that he’s a bad businessman and sells cheap shit that never lives up to its promises. And of course the prices are in rubles, because those are what eventually filter down into his bank account anyway.
#8. There’s An Option to Get a Pound of Whole Bean Colombian Covfefe With Every Box
A lot of Americans enjoy a nice cup of Joe or two every morning. That’s why our orange faced, tiny-handed, Apricot Pol Pot in Chief decided to give consumers an option to include a pound of the finest, Colombian grown covfefe in the world. This covfefe tastes so good, you might want to start a right-wing propaganda site and start spewing unhinged shit about pedophile pizza rings!
#7. Each Box Contains One Pair of Ivanka’s Panties, Personally Curated By The President
Look, he may have been elected by the Religious Right, but that doesn’t mean he has to, like, be all Jesus-y and shit right? We all know that was just campaign locker room talk, right? So of course Donny’s going to give you all a little special taste of his daughter. Each month, you’ll get one pair of Ivanka’s panties, personally selected by the President of the United States of America, made from the finest fabrics sweatshops in Indonesia can find and force their child labor force to crank out.
#6. Subscriptions Come With a Free Degree From Trump University
A lot of subscription services try to pack as much value as possible into each month’s box. Not Don Trump. He thinks outside, the um, well, box. And he includes things that literally no value to anything ever. Like, say, a degree from his bullshit, fraudulent “university.” Thanks, Donald!
#5. All The Products Are Made In
America First! Unless it comes to making cheap crap to sell under your family’s name. Then, it’s totally fine to use third world labor costs and conditions to reap first world profits. It’s the American Capitalist Jesus Way, libtards!
#4. Donald’s Children Will Rifle Through Each Box And Take What They Want First
Why should your subscription box be any different than the United States’ economy?
Nazis The Alt-Right Will Love Them
Each month you’ll get a new dog whistle, a lowercase-T to burn on any front lawn you want, and a brand new white robe with matching #MAGA trucker hood. Neatly tucked inside each box will also be several debunked, highly racist crime stats you can spew at parties when you claim that “All Lives Matter.” You’ll also get a blow up doll of right-wing pundit and walking, talking noise violation Timmy Lahren, which has been scientifically proven to be 5.5% smarter and funnier than the actually Tammy Lahren.
#2. You Can Pay For Your Box By Giving Up Your Social Security or Medicare
The best part about all of this? You can pay for it out of your Social Security and Medicare. In fact, you should really consider this option so that you get to used life without the social safety net anyway. You’ll be way ahead of the other libtard cucks.
#1. You Won’t Actually Get the Product You Signed Up For (Duh)
Why should your subscription box be any different than the man himself? You really thought you were getting an “anti-globalist” populist? LOL at you.
You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.