Well, the Southern Baptists are all in a Fundgelical tizzy since it was announced Wednesday that their numbers have declined by a historical 200,000 in just the past year. There are articles flying all over the Interwebs about what this means, what they can do, and the crisis levels of GAWD being neglected in our country. Numbers are being analyzed, excuses are being made, and silver linings are being sought out for the glory of Jesus.
Have no fear, boys, Renee is here. As a former member of the Southern Baptist Fundgelical Association, I am more than happy to jump in and help y’all out! I am going to give you ten things you can do to boost those numbers. You can thank me later.

  1. Franklin Graham is not on television enough. He is your voice, and you don’t let him speak for you enough. If people could hear what he has to say more, I think they would have a better understanding of your message. Prepare to print more bulletins.
  2. You don’t boycott enough businesses. If y’all would get out with pamphlets and scream preachers and really spread the word more forcefully while the rest of us are trying to shop for our SpaghettiOs and diapers, that would have impact.
  3. Door-to-Door evangelism is a fantastic recruiting method! I get so bored in the evenings, spending time with my family, eating dinner uninterrupted, and I think this would really get more butts in the seats. Bonus points if you tie it in to a political campaign. Two-for-one.
  4. If you can’t coerce folks to follow your religion, legislate it. Why stop at passing pansy-ass bills like #HB1523, which just discriminate against people based on their private sex lives? Take it one step further and demand by law they go to church on Sundays! What the hell else are we gonna do? Chick-Fil-A is closed anyway, and the only thing on television is church, so we might as well go. Extra credit? Another controversial piece of legislation to distract folks from real problems. SCORE!
  5. Recruit more social media warriors. I NEVER get tired of people telling me I’m going to hell, because I support equal rights or food stamps or don’t like the Republican nominee. I especially enjoy being told to wash out my mouth with a revolver by someone who has a cross as their profile picture. It truly fills me with the love of Christ. When I think “loving Facebook posts”, I think Southern Baptist Church!
  6. Spend more time concentrating on the shortcomings of others, that way you don’t make church members feel so uncomfortable. This will help retain members. Nobody wants to go to church and feel worse about themselves, so the easiest way to accomplish this is to preach hellfire and brimstone about other denominations and religions…OOPS, My bad, you have that one totally covered. Next!
  7. Instead of incoherently babbling random verses and using them as weapons, turn the actual Bible into a weapon. Call up Smith and Wesson and the NRA STAT.
  8. Create more pretend groups like the American College of Pediatrics to spread fake science. This adds an air of legitimacy to your organization, and it makes all your members sound totes credible whenever they cite them. Nobody who has a third grade knowledge of science is laughing at you. I swear.
  9. Roll Civil Rights all the way back to slavery. Seriously. Polls are showing upwards of 30% of Trump supporters would be great with it, so I say, GO ALL OUT. Push the Religious Freedom idea through the Supreme Court; don’t stop with denying equal rights to LGBTQ, go on and just deny them to everyone who is not white and male. You could recruit all the neo-Nazis and get a massive boost to your membership. Serious street cred!
  10. Finally, double-down on potlucks. There is nothing better than good old Southern Fried Everything, and frankly, that’s about the only good thing that comes out of church anyways. More people would show up if they could eat, too. The icing on the forty-four pineapple upside down cakes? Nothing says Southern Baptist like having a 300-pound red-faced mouth-breather screaming about the hell-fire and brimstone you are headed straight to, because you might be committing a sin that the Convention made up to justify their bigotry when gluttony is right there as one of the SEVEN DEADLY ONES.

If these don’t work out for you, I have a whole lot more. Feel free to leave me a message. I’ll call you back just as soon as I get done watching Orange is the New Black and drinking this bottle of Merlot. Bless your hearts!


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