Ted Cruz Just Pulled an Ad Because it Featured a Softcore Porn Actress, and Yes We Should LOL at Him

Ted Cruz just pulled a campaign ad because his team didn't realize a central star was a former soft-core porn actress.

When I read the headlines today about Ted Cruz deciding to pull one of his campaign ads because it featured a former soft-core porn star, I really thought it was an Onion headline gone viral or something.

Nope. He actually shot a commercial with a former soft-core porn actress, but she remains fully clothed in “Conservative Anonymous,” an attack ad against Marco Rubio. Still for a super-pious guy like Cruz, the fact that this now middle-aged women dared to expose her breasts on film (or more likely VHS video) means that whole commercial had to come down. I wonder what it feels like for Cruz when he has these massive failures happen on his watch. I mean, I personally couldn’t care less if he’d used a current, hardcore porn stare whose claim to fame was shoving Star Wars action figures inside of her while she declared herself to have “the Snatch of Carkoon,” but for a Conservative Christian Dominionist, this smacks of scandal, so it had to come down.

So how does Cruz feel looking like a jackass? I imagine he’s immune to it, actually. For most of us, the big deal in this story is that the Cruz camp didn’t think to check the IMdb page of the actress they cast before they shot the commercial. It speak more to him and his campaign being out of touch than it says he’s somehow approving of pornography, soft-core or otherwise. To conservatives though, he might as well have hopped into the frame and started fucking Amy Lindsay, the woman at the center of this story, because guilt by association is a thing to them with stuff like this.

The real kicker to me though? 30 years ago, Cruz could have made one of his fantasies come true and actually starred in a “teen tit movie” with Lindsay. What’s that? You didn’t hear about the tape that was unearthed of a young, college-aged Ted Cruz talking about his dreams and aspirations, and you haven’t heard him talk about “world domination” as well as staring in the exact kinds of plot-free sex romps that Ms. Lindsay starred in?

Well, let’s fix that right up:

So I actually have to wonder if Cruz didn’t subconsciously choose Ms. Lindsay for his commercial after having seen her work for years. I’m not going to pretend as if I haven’t seen her work myself; I could have. I’ve seen a few boobie movies in my day. But I’m not a pious asshole trying to tell you that gay people are evil for liking sex the way they like sex, am I?

It feels like the real core of this story is that once again a conservative has been shown to not exactly hold to the same morality he wants to force on others. If a young Cruz was into teen tit movies, who cares, right? Conservatives do. It’s some kind of character flaw to enjoy sex outside the confines of a marital bed for the purposes of procreation. So Cruz, who is an average heterosexual male, has to wall-up all his innate sexuality and pull a commercial that features someone who a long time ago got naked in front of a camera, while the rest of us literally couldn’t care less.

Stories like these aren’t exactly barn-burning news, of course. It’s one commercial. It’s just fun to point and laugh sometimes when the most pious and finger-waggy of the bunch have to scramble to save face with conservatives, especially when most people don’t care about Ted Cruz or his stupid commercials.

And now, in case a young Ted Cruz didn’t make you vomit, here’s the commercial he decided to pull:

 

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