When Justice Scalia Died It Felt Like My Soul Took The Most Satisfying Dump Ever

Justice Scalia and the whole world rejoices.

Antonin Scalia is dead. You know who I can’t help but feel sorry for? The occupants of Hell. They didn’t do anything to deserve him. Some might not revel in the death of a man, no matter how vile. Some would say to honor at least those he left behind. Some, would even suggest that to take delight in any man’s death is to dance with a darkness of soul that erases all moral high ground.

I’ve always been lucky enough to not have any fucks to give.

Justice Antonin Scalia was an ugly, stalwart, hateful, backwards, self-aggrandizing, smug, arrogant, bloviating, curse of a wart on the flaccid cock of humanity. I not only celebrate his death, I welcome it for all of our species. It’s not only a gift to the country, but to the universe.

In fact, when the message came across my phone that he had expired, doing us all the biggest favor he could possibly do, it felt like my soul took the most satisfying dump, ever. You know the kind of dump I’m talking about. The kind where not only do you feel empty of all the poison inside of you, but you somehow feel ten IQ points higher and about twenty pounds lighter? That’s the same exact feeling I had realizing that “jiggery pokery” was never going to grace another opinion again, unless someone uses it to troll the spirit of Scalia…oh wait, the asshole had no soul, never mind.

With not even a gnat’s pubic hair’s width of apology in tone, I raise a glass and my middle finger to that fucking asshole having drawn his last, stolen breath from us. How could I not revel in some small way in the passing of a man who had this to say about the court making marriage equality the law of the land?

The opinion is couched in a style that is as pretentious as its content is egotistic. It is one thing for separate concurring or dissenting opinions to contain extravagances, even silly extravagances, of thought and expression; it is something else for the official opinion of the Court to do so. (source)

Just in case the bastard’s word salad isn’t that easy to interpret upon first reading, what he’s basically saying is that it’s “pretentious” to give people their dignity. It’s “egotistic” to use the power of the courts to strike down laws that create a subclass of people. I think it’s safe to say we know how Justice Scalia would have ruled on Jim Crow laws. How fascinating to have had a man sit on the bench for so long when he clearly despised the whole idea of judicial review and probably would have been on the dissenting side Marbury Vs. Madison. It’s sort of like how conservatives who hate government keep running for elected positions within it, a truly baffling paradox.

I’m not exactly sure what it says about m that I don’t really care, genuinely, that Scalia died.  To be clear, I’m not a sociopath. If anything I almost care too much when people die. I’m not a sociopath. I just only have very positive, cheery, upbeat, and optimistic feelings. All the toxic grossness that was bogging us down has been pushed out the natural way, how it’s just supposed to work.

I mean, how can I be sad that the guy who said this is dead?

This Court has never held that the Constitution forbids the execution of a convicted defendant who has had a full and fair trial but is later able to convince a habeas court that he is ‘actually’ innocent. (source)

He literally just said he doesn’t think that evidence should necessarily keep a convicted person from being executed. He basically said that if you’ve already had your trial, and new evidence comes to light that exonerates you, but your state wants to execute you anyway, that was totes above board and fine with him. Disgusting. And the kind of thoughts that humanity is good to purge themselves of.

You know, like taking a verbose, pedantic, tyrannical, unctuous dump.

Maybe you think I’m cold and callous, basking in the death of a man. fuck that.  He died of natural causes, proving there still is no cure for old, bitter asshole disease. If there was true justice in the universe he wouldn’t have gone quietly, but kicking and screaming in an embarrassing temper tantrum against the inevitable that every one of his dissents sounded like.

If ever there was a more deserving man of a mortal end, no matter what it is, it was Scalia.

He made every Supreme Court ruling of the last decade nauseating. It was fun, yes, at times to wait for his predictably contrarian, cliche regressive bullshit meandering tantrums, I admit. But he was so smug, arrogant, and self-assured in his embrace of passive hatred that it made him, ultimately, one of America’s greatest villains. The right reveres him because he wanted to wield the Constitution like a baton and smack everyone back down into their natural, God-given order, of course, but to anyone that values true liberty, he was vociferous an enemy as any we’ve ever known.

He was a strident asshole, and a staunch defender of society’s right to shit on the minority class, no matter whether it be based on gender, sexuality, race, or religion. His opinions were drenched in seething meanness and bullying. How can we not be better off as a country with him gone?  Maybe he had some charity set up that feeds orphaned children. And if that’s the case, they should really change their name because he was like the human AIDS virus.

Goodbye, and good riddance Antonin Scalia, and may the stench of your perfunctory bigotry me forever washed clean from our collective memories.

Also: I like The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and I am really looking forward to the new season coming soon. Not related, but just really felt like it was the right time emotionally to say this.

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