Okay, so Betsy DeVos is now our Secretary of Education. Sure, you might think it’s a good time to panic if you’re one of those silly people who thinks the person in charge of public education should have experience in public education. If you’re one of those idiots who thinks the person in charge of public education should not want to end public education by pushing kids into charter schools with no accountability for their students’ performance, you might be a bit miffed that she was confirmed only be being dragged across the finish line by Vice President Mike Pence’s tie-breaking vote in the Senate.
But chilllllll, libtards. I promise, DeVos will be great for education! Don’t believe me? Check this out!
6 Ways Betsy DeVos Will Totally Change Education For The Better
#6. So Many Guns In Our Schools, Bears Wouldn’t Dare To Scare!
Talk shit on Betsy’s credentials all you want, libtarded libtards. We all know she’s the right one for the job because she’s willing to stand up to the biggest threat our children face. No, not a declining middle class! Bears, man! Big ol’ bears. Thank God Betsy’s here to keep those bears out of our classrooms by giving each school a full compliment of semi-automatic firearms.
#5. Math and Science Are Hard, Memorizing Bible Verses Is Way Easier!
As students advance, their subjects get harder and harder. It’s one thing to learn how to add two and two, it’s another to try and learn hard stuff like Algebra or Trigonometry. And don’t even get us started on science! It’s bad enough science is of the devil, but it’s also super-duper hard too! So it’s a good thing that Secretary DeVos is all about giving parents the choice to move their kids into the kinds of schools where you get the best, most modern, most up to date education ever: religious schools.
#4. Letter Grades Will Be Replaced By A Scale Of “Going To Hell” to “Everlasting Life With The One, True, American Christian God.”
Getting an “F” on a paper might make your kid feel like he or she can never succeed. Getting an “A” on a paper might encourage your kid to keep achieving academically, which might lead them to want to go to college, where they’ll become indoctrinated libtards! So that’s why Secretary DeVos has smartly decided to replace the typical, “A-F” letter grade system with something that reflects the new direction we’re going in — a theocracy. Therefore, grades will go on a scale from “Going To Hell” if the kid is clearly going to Hell when they die, all the way to, “Everlasting Life With The One, True, American Christian God.”
#3. It’s So Much Easier To Know Your History When You Lop Off 4.5 Billion Years Of It!
Secretary DeVos believes in letting kids have a fully-rounded education. That is to say if you put your Bible in a round bucket, she’s okay with you teaching kids anything in that bucket. We all know that contrary to libtarded science stuff like carbon dating tell us, the planet is barely 6,000 years old. That’s why Secretary DeVos in her infinite, divinely-inspired wisdom, has instructed the history curriculum people at the education department to slice out roughly 4.5 billion years of history, from kindergarten to high school texts. History is much more efficient when there’s so much less of it to cover!
#2. In The Interest Of Cost Cutting, Children Will Only Learn About 3 Continents And 2 Oceans
Time is money, people. And no one respects the taxpayers’ money quite like the guy hitting them up for half a million dollars a day in extra security so his wife and son can stay behind in New York City. So that’s why Trump has instructed DeVos to “trim the fat” out of geography class, and now kids will learn about three continents and two oceans. They can Google the rest.
#1. School Will Only Be Held On Sundays
What better way to save a ton of money than by shrinking the school week by 80%? Sure, you’re going to be giving your kid a lesson in the three R’s — Religion, Religious Religion, and Religiously Religious Religion, but, hey, that’s more than three R’s anyway. But hey, the good news is that with DeVos in control no one can count anyway.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.