This satirical news piece first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre didn’t waste much time after a shooting in the same state that his gun ownership advocacy group is headquartered in to make a plea to Congress about gun rights. LaPierre spoke in front of NRA headquarters in Fairfax, just forty minutes or so west from Alexandria, the site of a gunman’s attack on Congressional Republicans practicing for a friendly baseball game against Democrats.
“I beg you, from the bottom of my full metal jacketed heart,” LaPierre pleaded, with tears forming in his eyes, “don’t let this one attack shake you. You must stay strong. You must stay vigilant. And if you must, you have to pretend as if your friends and colleagues were first graders. Then I know you’ll find it in your hearts to continue doing nothing about gun violence in America.”
LaPierre said that in the coming days and weeks congressional representatives may “feel tempted to act” and that they may “mistakenly think gun violence is now all of a sudden a bad thing.” Mr. LaPierre cautioned strongly against that kind of “dangerous, radical thinking” and insisted that congressional Republicans must “continue to stare down the barrel — quite literally — of a society where everyone, no matter how dangerous, has a gun.”
“I know the quickest way for a congressman to care about an issue is for it to all of a sudden impact them personally,” Mr. LaPierre conceded, “but I beg you, please resist that temptation. Maintain your steely resolve to never lift a finger, never pluck even the lowest hanging fruit of common sense gun law improvements. Because only through unabashed love and worship of guns can we really ever free ourselves from gun violence. Once everyone has a gun, I promise you, all the violence will magically cease.”
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In the wake of the Sandy Hook Massacre in which more than twenty people — the overwhelming majority of which were first graders — perished at the hands of a semi-automatic rifle wielding man, the strongest push in recent years to get universal background checks onto the books failed. That effort failed largely in part to the NRA convincing certain sectors of the public that background checks would lead to a national registry of gun owners. That, however, was expressly forbidden in the wording of the background check amendment.
“If you can remain strong in the face of a tragedy that saw small children shot in theirs,” LaPierre said, “then I pray you’ll have the patriotic intestinal fortitude it will take to shrug off an attack on one of your own.”
Mr. LaPierre told reporters that if the Second Amendment isn’t important enough to congressional Republicans to keep from acting on gun control, then he can think of one thing that will keep them in line.
“Money,” LaPierre said with a grin, “their love of and need for a constant supply of money. I hope that if nothing else, their patriotic love of cash will keep them lining up at our trough, no matter how high the body count — with or without elected representatives on the pile — grows. God bless Guns, and God bless America, too, I guess.”
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