HATCH PEAK, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Before the Republican National Convention got underway in Cleveland this week, Philip Wright says he was undecided about who will get his vote for president this fall. Though after the first night he’s still not completely convinced, he says that watching Duck Dynasty star Willie Robertson’s speech and its “stunning idiocy,” as Wright said, has him nearly convinced to throw his support behind alleged billionaire Donald J. Trump.
“I don’t know, I’ve heard all the crap that Willie said last night before,” Wright says, “but for some reason when it’s coming out of the mouth of a pop cultural figure who got famous for his family’s line of products that make ducks think they’re going to get laid right before you blow them away, it just sounded so fresh and new to my ears.”
Wright says that “C-List, realityTV bigots are Americans too” and they deserve to have their opinions heard and “taken as gospel truth, no matter how easily verifiable it is that they’re hypocritical douchebags.”
“When Willie said up there that both he and Donald have wives people want to fuck,” Wright said, “I felt like I was getting to listen to Patrick Henry demand liberty or death, or Thomas Jefferson deliver a treatise on liberty and/or having slave mistresses. It was really a treat for any good, clean, ammo-hoarding patriotic American to hear that speech.”
Mr. Wright said that Robertson’s speech was “a true wake-up call” for America and that “only the most divinely inspired thinkers” would make the connection between Trump having a TV show and being prepared to be Commander in Chief.
“I mean, think of all the great American orators from Sarah Palin to Hulk Hogan that have had reality-TV shows,” Wright said. Robertson made him realize, Philip said, that “the Real Housewives of Orange County would probably make excellent Senators or even Supreme Court Justices.”
Wright was careful, however, to point out that while he thinks Robertson’s speech was a good one, and that the Duck Commander CEO made some “very valid points,” it wasn’t the intellectual material in his speech that he was drawn to. He also doesn’t think Robertson is “very smart at all.”
‘Let’s face it,” Wright said, “Robertson isn’t the brightest bulb in the box. He’s not the tastiest McNugget in the Happy Meal, know what I mean? But he does have a TV show and a hot wife, so I mean, I have to as an American give that a lot of credit. I don’t know, we’ll see what happens in November.”
Current polling shows Hillary Clinton leading Trump nationally.
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