Let me be the first to say this: I’m not good looking. No, I’m not fishing for compliments or anything like that. I just think that since I’m about to rip into Donald Trump for being a disgusting person on the outside (to match his horrific insides), I should do so with eyes-wide-open. So yeah, I’m not rakishly handsome or anything like that myself. But all that being said…
Um. Does Donald Trump own a mirror, by chance?
For two days straight now, Trump has made comments about his accusers that are best summed up as, “I’d never grope her, she’s too ugly.” It’s such a ridiculous defense that it’s shocking at first. Most people’s alibi, when confronted with allegations like this, isn’t, “Yeah, normally I’d get handsy with her, but she’s not pretty enough for me to sexually assault.”
I’m just going to gloss over the fact that Trump’s calling his accusers ugly as a defense for potential sexual assault is beyond the pale of asshole behavior. I’m going to just ignore the fact that, in reality, it’s not a defense or excuse, but rather is just another example of his boorish, bullying, predatory behavior. I’ll just simply put my fingers in my ears and cover my eyes to the fact that this line of defense is repulsive, bargain-basement, garden variety excuse making that I’ve seen more than one abusive asshole say in my life, and focus on Donald’s blatant hypocrisy on the subject of looks.
This man looks so odd that he’s been called everything orange under the sun. Comedian Christopher Titus refers to him as Sweet Potato Hitler. I’ve seen him referred to as Orange Cheeto Jesus. I myself have called him an Angry Orangutan. In fact, his baffling orange tint is one of his most easily identified features. And then, oh then…then you have, well…his “hair.”
What the fuck, exactly, is on his head? I know that Fallon tussled it a bit, but it’s not like Trump doesn’t have the financial means necessary to have fake hear woven onto his big, dumb scalp. He can afford good toupees or other balding camouflage products that don’t fall off your head easily. He’s fooling absolutely no one with whatever that color-treated Tribble on his skull is supposed to be. Hair, though? I hardly fucking thing so, Donny.
Trump’s looks are comically bad, literally. Every piece of comedic material I’ve ever seen on the double-dipped douchebag in some way references his odd and frightening looks. From his weird pout to his blotchy skin and the aforementioned bullshit on his head he called “hair,” Donald Trump is ugly as fuck. I can’t say this next sentence with any certainty about most of the people on this planet, but, I’m better than looking than Donald, and I know how little that’s saying. But still, I am.
Of course, no one should be surprised that Trump’s such an obvious hypocrite about this. He’s a hypocrite about everything. The welfare state is bad because it encourages people to expect money for nothing, and meanwhile he would literally be nothing if it weren’t for his rich father, whose sizable fortune he left Donny has actually shrunk over the years, and not grown. He decries Hillary Clinton for her husband the philander’s behavior, and he’s the most unrepentant, boastful serial womanizer in the Tri-State area. Hypocrisy is as much a part of the Trump brand as racism and daughter fucking is at this point.
It’s not like the idea that rape or sexual assault isn’t about attraction is some new theory in sociology. We’ve known for decades that rape is about power, not sex, at the end of the day. So even if you were to excuse the unforgivable misanthropy and downright stupidity of saying a woman isn’t good looking enough to be groped, what Donald is implying is just factually incorrect. No one is too ugly or too good looking to be sexually assaulted, and I thought in 2016 we all were smart enough to know that.
Then again, Donald Trump is a legitimate presidential nominee, so I need to stop making assumptions about the intelligence level of my fellow Americans, don’t I?
Donald Trump is fat, sniffs like he’s on coke, and has tiny hands. He has a mouth that looks like a cat’s puckered asshole when he thinks too hard. He has weird, orange skin with pale white circles under his eyes. If he didn’t have money, he’d be an average, ugly, pasty, fat, old white man and when he spoke about anyone else’s looks he’d get laughed at until tears ran down his disgusting looking face.
There are so many reasons to say, “Fuck Donald Trump,” but this one is perhaps the easiest one to say it about. Clearly he’s a disgusting lech. Clearly he can’t keep his hands to himself, and clearly he’s at least a tiny bit rapey. But to him, all that can be batted away by calling his accuser ugly, because Donald Trump is stuck in high school and a big fucking ugly hypocrite to boot.
So, to close this super-erudite treatise on American politics, let me just reiterate, again:
Fuck Donald Trump.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.