If you’re even slightly familiar with my work — either satirical or just comical — you know that I take American politics extremely seriously. One thing I really pride myself on is asking the tough questions that are on everyone’s minds, but maybe they’re too afraid to ask. This is another one of those times. So I am sure you’ll be grateful by the end of this piece that I asked it, and you’ll understand why I asked. And here it goes…
Does Tucker Carlson have to take the Nazi dicks in Trump’s mouth out before he puts Trump’s dick in his own?
You know, it’s funny.
FTucker was one of those conservative commentators who lambasted the left over what he said was their cult-like worshiping of Barack Obama. No matter how badly Obama was fucking up, Tuck would argue, the press and Obama’s defenders would line up to kiss his ass. And look, like most conservatives, Tucky is really good at taking a basic truth — like there were and are people who behave as if Obama could do no wrong — and then warp it into some really stupid extrapolation that only exists to make him and those who think like him feel better about their worldview.
So I would presume that of all people on the right, Schmucker would be the last person to go full-blown North Korean State TV reporter on us, and yet…that’s precisely what he’s done. He’s defended Trump when the turd burger in chief viciously attacked the hosts of “Morning Joe.” He’s ridden to Trump’s rescue when the tangerine twat waffle couldn’t even bring himself to condemn KKK and Neo-Nazi groups for the violence that left Heather Heyer dead. But both of those instances pale in comparison to when he leaped off a ledge to help Trump save face after the “president” took his eclipse viewers off and looked directly at the sun this week.
Even Trump’s aides could be audibly heard telling him not to look at the sun. But Tuck the Fuck? What did ol’ Tucky-wucky-boo-bo-bee have to say about it? He had nothing but praise and admiration for Trump, of course. In case you missed it, here’s Tuck Ever-Douchey calling Trump’s decision to stare the sun the “most impressive thing” any president has ever done.
So there we have it. Tucker praising Dear Leader for his “impressive” decision to do what even fucking first graders know they shouldn’t do. And he truly expects us not to call him a Trump Stooge? To be honest, I don’t know how Tucker doesn’t expect to be asked how Don’s dick tastes at this point, but the eclipse comment really should disqualify him from being taken seriously by anyone with a pulse.
Someone should pull Tucker aside and tell him it’s completely okay to call out someone on his own team. In fact, when you get a reputation for doing that, people stop assuming that your preferred after-hours activity is sucking the corn out of an alleged billionaire’s pyrite plated turds. We’ve seen Republican hypocrisy take many forms, but this is the first time I’ve seen it wear a bow tie. Oh wait, Tucker started wearing regular ties recently. Still, fuck Tucker Carlson is what I’m getting at.
So again, I come back to my initial question: Does Tucker Carlson have to take the Nazi dicks in Trump’s mouth out before he puts Trump’s dick in his own?
Clearly, the fact that Trump can’t go more than 24 hours without defending white supremacists means that he can only keep Nazi dick out of his mouth long enough to defend them. But I’m not sure that Tucker is into a homerotic, fascist, racist suck ‘n’ fuck, to be totally fair to him. I have no earthly clue if he’d ask Trump to take the Nazi dick out of his mouth before riding Tucker’s mouth to Valhalla, but something tells me if Trump declined, Tucker would still be face to shriveled dick with the president. Then again, maybe I should be asking the Nazis if they have to wait until Putin pulls out of Trump’s mouth before they go in.
…aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnddddddddddddddd that should offend just about everyone’s sensibilities, so my work here is done.