CLEVELAND, OHIO — Preparations are well underway in Cleveland this week, as the Republican Party gears up for its 2016 national convention. With the keynote speaker locked-up, reports are that Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus has set his sights on “experiences” for convention attendees that he hopes will make the experience “more memorable and enjoyable” for them. One such experience will be a massive burning of Muslim literature and books about the Islamic faith in general which Priebus told reporters will “really speak to Trump fans young and old.”
“We wanted to really fire up the base,” Priebus said, “and take advantage of key strengths that Donald Trump has — namely his popularity among white, conservative Christians and outright white supremacists.” Mr. Priebus insisted that the book burning isn’t “about every Republican being anti-Muslim so much” but it’s about “making enough people who are anti-Muslim and Republican feel comfortable and catered to.
Convention attendees that don’t bring their own Muslim books will be issued them, Priebus said. Anticipating that their voters would rather drink poison than be “caught dead with Muslim literature,” Priebus announced that Trump had taken advantage of a recent online blowout sale to acquire texts he could hand out at the convention for burning.
“Donald went on a spending spree the other day on Amazon Prime Day and bought up every single copy of the Koran he could find,” Mr. Priebus told reporters, “and he bought up thousands of copies of books by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and about Muhammad Ali. We don’t want anyone to feel left out of the fun.”
Marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers will be provided for the children in attendance, Republican staffers confirm.
“We’re still in negotiations with a hot dog provider,” Priebus said, “so between the s’mores and the weenie roasting, we think we’ll have our littlest fascists covered too. Should be a really fun time for the whole racist and Islamaphobic family!”
The book burning will take place on the final night of the convention, and will feature special appearances by members of the Westboro Baptist Church, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX), and David Duke, who Trump announced earlier would be his Secretary of Race Wars should he be elected.
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