The alleged and temporary president is on his first whirlwind tour of Europe and the Middle East. Many people have been mostly mocking him for his wife Melania snubbing his hand holding not once, but twice, or over that weird, Bond villain moment with the strange glowing orb. You might think the president is so dumb, and the trip so embarrassing already, that it’s impossible to learn anything from it.
But that’s where you’d be dead wrong.
President Trump has already taken it upon himself to teach the country, and indeed the world, a thing or two about jetting all over the globe. It’s just that you’d have to be paying very close attention, and most likely take some kind of heavy narcotic and/or smack yourself over the head with a brick or cinder block or something similar. Luckily for you, my fellow libtarded libtardians of the galaxy, I have been paying very close attention, and cataloged Trump’s travel trips here, for you, below.
Enjoy! Or as they say in one of the countries that Trump visited — you know, the pizza and pasta one? — Enjoy-o!
5 Terrific Travel Tips Trump Taught America on His First International Presidential Trip
#5. Always Bring a Back Up Wife/Daughter to Hold Your Hand
Okay, so as it turns out, your
trophy wife First Second Lady may not always feel like holding your hand. Maybe she knows where it’s been, and she can’t stomach grabbing all the pussy you’ve grabbed by proxy. It might just stand to reason that she’d bat your hand away. Twice. And make you look like a dog-ass piece of shit. If that’s the case, then it’d be real good to have a backup wife, or you know, a “daughter” to non-Trumps, to show you affection and humanize you in public.
#4. It’s Possible to Fly Air Force One Somewhere for Something Other Than Golf
Did you know that you can take Air Force One anywhere you want as a president? It works out real well for Trump, because that way he doesn’t have to pay for the fuel when he spends every weekend, literally every weekend, golfing at some point or another. In fact, Donald was starting to feel like when he signed up to be president, he was really just volunteering for the world’s longest golf clinic. But alas, this trip has taught him you can actually fly Air Force One all around the world, and not even for a single round of golf! Not that it wouldn’t be better for the whole world if all he did was to golf, but hey, lessons are still good to be learned and whatnot.
#3. They Do Not Store Pepperoni in the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and They Hate It More If You Ask Them If They Do…Repeatedly
It’s a common mistake, I’m sure. Why would they not store pepperoni, the most important pizza topping ever, in the leaning tower of pizza? I mean, other than the fact that it’s “Pisa,” named for the city it rests in, and not “pizza,” of course. But apparently asking the Italian president fifteen times if they do is a big no-no. Not that we know for a fact that Trump did this. We could imagine him doing it though, and imagining Trump doing things is how his voters were able to swallow their pride and decency and vote for him so…fair’s fair I say.
#2. Shining Orbs Are Usually Just High Tech “ON” Buttons and, Sadly, Not Sentient Beings Who Can Takeover President-ing For You
It might look like a Star Wars robot, but that shiny orb you’re pressing might actually just be a super-duper cool looking “ON” button. But hey, don’t let that stop you from whispering to it that you want to quit the presidency and ask the orb if it would mind taking over for you. Or you can make a wish on it like a magic artifact that’ll switch your body with the other guys touching it, resulting in uproarious laughter, hijinx, and mischief. Of course, you’ll also look like one-third of a trio of Bond baddies, but hey, fuck it, you’re president. YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT!
#1. God Probably Doesn’t Care About the Electoral College. Sad!
Everyone was wondering what Trump put on the note he stuffed into the Western Wall. Traditionally, prayers are written on notes and then stuffed into a crack somewhere in the wall. But I wrote this week that my best (satirical) guess was that Trump put a copy of the 2016 Electoral College map in the wall. Even God deserves to know how bigly Trump won. But did you know that God hasn’t said one word about Trump’s victory since he visited the wall? It seems like maybe this so-called “all powerful, all knowing creator” doesn’t give a fuck about the Electoral College. Which would make him an unAmerican libtard…worse than coming and telling everyone to take care of the poor and heal the sick and that rich people aren’t just better because they’re rich.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.