HILLER, MISSOURI — At a campaign stop in MISSOURI, fresh off his victories in the Michigan, Hawaii, and Mississippi Republican Primaries, billionaire reality-TV star and steak salesman Donald. J. Trump reportedly struggled for hours to thread a needle, delaying his entire morning’s schedule in the process.
“We were late to every campaign even this morning,” Sam McGee, Deputy Assistant Chief Media Liaison for Trump’s campaign told reporters, “because Donald really wanted to sew a button back on his jacket himself — like yoooge winnahs always do for themselves — and he was having tremendous difficulty getting the needle threaded.”
McGee told reporters that from what he and the other Trump staffers could tell, the issue arose out of the fact that the needle and thread were very small, and Trump’s digits may not have had “substantial enough length,” in McGee’s words to thread the needle. Reportedly he and many other people in the room offered to thread the needle for Trump, but he repeatedly balked at the suggestion.
“Get the fuck outta here widdat,” Trump reportedly told McGee, “what kinda massive, yooge lose-uh can’t sew his own button?” But, McGee said, Trump just could not get his fingers to grasp the needle and thread at the same time, neither of his hands seemed large enough to hold either.
Mr. McGee said that for thirty minutes they watched as Trump struggled to even hold the needle upright, as though it was small, the size of Trump’s hands seemed to make the task even harder. McGee said Trump’s fingers made the needle “look like a street lamp” in his hands, and the real estate baron just couldn’t keep his hands around it.
“He just kept looking at the needle, and the thread, and his hands, and screaming and cursing,” McGee said, “he just couldn’t quite figure out how to manipulate the tiny objects he was trying to hold with his hands the size they are.”
Ultimately, after about ninety minutes of struggling, Trump was convinced to just grab another jacket. Unfortunately, he had difficulty wrapping his fingers around the hanger, which felt massive in his hands, and that process put his campaign off by another hour or so.
“Luckily, our supporters were all still there, waiting for us,” McGee said, “and there is nothing that warms your heart or bolsters your spirit like showing up to a Trump rally and seeing all those massive, flaming, lower-case T’s to welcome you.”
Current polling in Missouri shows Trump with a lead over Senators Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio, and Governor John Kasich. The Missouri primary will be held on March 15th.
Republished from The Political Garbage Chute.