NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Speaking to reporters outside his Trump Towers residence, alleged billionaire and Republican presumptive nominee Donald J. Trump said that his decision to ask Indiana Governor Mike Pence (R) to be his running mate is an example of “Republican LGBT outreach.”
“You know, like putting LGBTs outta reach of us normals,” Trump further explained.
Pence is familiar to most Americans for being at the center of a firestorm of controversy over an anti-LGBT bill he signed into law. Couched as a “religious freedom” law, Pence’s signature on the bill made it legal to discriminate in his state against members of the LGBT community, as long as the basis of their discrimination was their sincerely held religious beliefs. What followed in the state was a deluge of bad press and threats by various members of the business community to revolt against the Hoosier state.
Trump says this kind of “blind allegiance to antiquated social policies” is exactly what the Republican Party needs, and it’s why he’s tapped Pence for the coveted VP slot in his administration.
“Clearly after 2012,” Trump told reporters, “the message for our party was for us to close down even further to minorities, women, and LGBT people. We needed to ignore the shifting demographics and modern reality and instead double or even triple down on religious dogma and fear mongering about the fabric of our society.” Pence, in Trump’s estimation, “has the whole theocracy thing down pat.”
According to Mr. Trump, Pence will “provide calm reassurance” to Republican voters that “the party is still dedicated to letting them act like assholes to people whose lifestyles they don’t agree with.”
“And that,” Trump said, “is a hallmark and the cornerstone of post-Reagan Republicanism.”
Pence’s selection as VP won’t keep Trump from making other gestures toward minority groups and the LGBT community, the D-List reality-TV star told reporters.
“By gestures toward them,” Trump clarified, “I mean giving them the finger, of course.”
Rick Santorum, who ran against Trump for the nomination last year, is said to be on the shortlist for Trump’s cabinet as Secretary of the Interior of Everyone’s Bedrooms. Governor Chris Christie (R-NJ) is said to be among those being considered for Secretary of Pedantry and former congresswoman Michele Bachmann will “fill in wherever dunderheaded derpy-ness is needed,” Trump said.
“You can’t please all the people all the time,” Trump said, “but what I’m hoping to do is please the right homophobes with this decision. The rights ones are the ones who vote for me, of course. Yay America! And more importantly — God Bless Donald Trump.”
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