It’s Thanksgiving time, when we pause to give thanks for all we have in this life. This Thanksgiving marks the last one that the Obama family will spend in the White House. Next year, a whole new Klan will move in and be dining in the White Power House, and we here at Modern Liberals reached out to them to find out what their favorite Thanksgiving dishes are. They told us, and they also gave us a message — either we give them these dishes next year or “we’ll all be in the oven with the turkeys” whatever that means.
So here now, are The Trump Family’s 5 Favorite Thanksgiving Dishes.
#5. Sweet Potatoes With Marshmallows – Minus The Sweet Potatoes
DONALD TRUMP, JR: “Normally, the Trump family loves things with orange-ish flesh. But why not let all those beautiful, white marshmallows be the star of the show? After all, they’ve already assumed their rightful position at the top of the dish. Wait, what’s that? They roast the marshmallows and they turn brown? Eww. Take them off and go with the beautiful orange flesh only then. Thank you, Pleb.”
#4. Fingering Potatoes
IVANKA TRUMP: “Boy, I really do love fingering potatoes. My dad’s fingerings are the best, too. Really, you haven’t had a fingering until you’ve had a fingering from my dad. I guess my husband’s fingerings are okay. But for some reason, Daddy really knows his fingerings! And let’s face it, if you don’t want them, he’ll give you the fingerings anyway.”
#3. The Trump Wall Of Biscuits
DONALD J. TRUMP: “Of course it’ll be me who tells you about the great tradition of the Trump Family Biscuit Wall. It’s the best wall you’ve ever seen, made out of the finest biscuits ever. These biscuits are so good you’ll crap your pants as you eat them. That’s because we fill them with laxatives so that the room eventually smells exactly like what you’d expect a room full of Trumps to smell like. We call that Trump Stank. Anyway, what was I saying? Something about the Jews or something? I can’t remember. STEVE! WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE RIGHT NOW? HOW DO I TURN OFF THIS FUCKING VOICE TO TEXT SHIT, STEVE?”
#2. Chips And Rapist Gravy
ERIC TRUMP: “It might surprise a lot of folks to find out we, the Trump family, actually really love Mexican food. We love it so much that we have some chips and Rapist Gravy with every Thanksgiving dinner, as an apple-tizer. You know what rapist gravy is, right? It’s diced up tomatoes, onions, cilantro, and other vegetables with tons of salt and garlic. Really tasty. I think they call it pick-o dee guy-yo or something in their native rapist though.”
#1. All White Meat Turkey
DONALD J. TRUMP: “You didn’t think I’d have as many items on this list as everyone else did you? Of course not. I get more. I always get more items. I’m the best at getting items. Many people are saying my items are the best. A lot of people, when they ask me to give them some kind of advice for one of these, um, you know, Internet list things my kids tell me are popular among the youth of today, I often have people tell me I should do nothing but that, like ever. And I think that I probably will end up dedicating at least half my time AS president coming up with lists like this. Much more effectical than some boring State of the Union bullshit. I’ll just do like Top 10 Things Presidentemperor Trump Wants You Mooks To Do Now, or whatever. Anyway, what…was…STEVE, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE, STEVE? HOW THE FUCK DO I TURN OFF THIS STUPID GODDAMNED VOIC-”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.