The Bachmann Diaries: All Heil Donald Trump!

Dear Diary,

We did it! Donald Trump was elected president by the majority of white America! Liberals are so mad Hillary Clinton lost, but they don’t care about our great nation. They just want more free stuff, they just want to stay unemployed, living off the taxes of rich good people like me. But Donald Trump beat out a lying criminal to become our 45th president. The media keeps focusing on how he’s going to court next month over some fraud charges, but that’s just liberals trying to keep our country from being great again.

It is my hope that President-elect Trump appoints me to an important position in his administration. I did so much good work on the Intelligence Committee, and such good work for Minnesota. True, I was unable to keep Minnesotans from legalizing HOMO marriage, but I really believe that vote was rigged. I think HOMOS dressed up as different people and voted more than once. And I was the one who tried to tell everyone Huma Abedin was a terrorist, and oh, look now-all her emails are being investigated by the FBI. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if she ended up at Guantanamo.

It turns out that far left loons (I love that phrase!) refused to vote on Tuesday, because Bernie Sanders wasn’t the nominee. So the idiots who came out to vote for Clinton were not as strong as the idiots people who came out to vote for Donald Trump. This is the great thing about liberals: If they don’t get everything they want, they stay home and pout. Conservatives vote for the candidate we give them, because they know we always have American’s best interest at heart.



We, conservative leaders, understand women who want abortions are horrible people, and deserve to be punished. We understand HOMO things are gross. We understand colored black people are scary. We understand that Muslims are dangerous and are shooting up our churches and our movie theaters and the Holocaust museum and our schools scary. We understand government is too complex for most people to understand, so we just tell conservative voters what we want to them to do, and they do it. Liberals want to think about things, and learn about things, and ask too many questions.

Donald Trump understands this. In fact, he told me *”It would not be impossible to prove with sufficient repetition and a psychological understanding of the people concerned that a square is in fact a circle. They are mere words, and words can be molded until they clothe ideas and disguise.” And he’s right! Look at how many evangelicals voted for Donald. He’s obviously been to church less times than I have listened to jazz, he doesn’t read the Bible, and I’m not even sure he’s born again. But we convinced millions of evangelical Christians that Hillary Clinton was the devil, and that Donald Trump was, in fact, a Christian, so they voted for him. He’s our circle that’s really a square!

Of course, none of this would have been possible without Fox News and Alex Jones. We were talking about that, Donald and myself, and he said *”The most brilliant propagandist technique will yield no success unless one fundamental principle is borne in mind constantly – it must confine itself to a few points and repeat them over and over.” Fox and Alex Jones did that perfectly for us. They talked about Benghazi, emails, and how Hillary’s husband is a serial killer and rapist, and ta da! President-elect Trump.

I do think Alex went a wee bit overboard by calling Hillary an actual demon, and talking about the weird cooking thing. But whatever works, right?

President-elect Trump will protect America from terrorists. Why, just a few weeks ago, we were chatting about what Melania should wear to the inauguration, and Donald said **”I want war. To me all means will be right. My motto is not ‘Don’t, whatever you do, annoy the enemy.’ My motto is ‘Destroy him by all and any means.’ I am the one who will wage the war!” It was an odd thing to say in the middle of a chat about spectator pumps, but that’s how much our next president loves this country!

Anywho, I need to put together a resume and visual demonstration so President-elect Trump will appoint to something wonderful. Diary, this is such a great day in America! I do wish it was me, but 2020 isn’t that far away! If a sexist pig like Donald Trump If a man with no political experience whatsoever can be elected, there’s still hope for me!

Love, Michele

*Goebbels

*Goebbels

**Hitler

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