This clearly, obviously, unmistakably satirical news story first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
CONCORD, MICHIGAN — The shooting of Republican Congressman Steve Scalisse has given conservative rocker Ted Nugent a fresh, new perspective, at least according to Nugent.
Mr. Nugent recently invited the press into his home to show the country, he says, “what leading by example looks like.” Nugent told reporters that he still “believes in all [his] heart that Hillary could and should ride [his] gun to Hell,” but he’s ready to be “the bigger douche.”
“So I’m offering all the libtards — sorry, force of habit — libtard Americans — an olive branch,” Nugent said.
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Nugent led the reporters into his bedroom. There, among the roughly six hundred stuffed and mounted animal heads, thousands of rounds of spent and unspent ammunition, and a Ronald Reagan blowup doll, was a t-shirt that Nugent picked up. The 69-year old guitarist and singer held up the shirt so everyone could read its message. On the shirt were the words, “Lock That Cunt Up,” with a cartoonishly evil looking Hillary Clinton photoshopped into an orange prison jumpsuit.
“Look, I still obviously believe Hillary is both a cunt and belongs in either behind bars or dead,” Nugent said, “but clearly these brain-dead, commie, socialist, un-American hippies are taking things way too far, so it’s time for me to do the mature, grown up, and frankly unending praise worthy thing, and retire one of my favorite shirts.”
Mr. Nugent then took the shirt, folded it up, and put it in the top drawer of dresser, shoving aside fifteen handguns to do so.
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“Isn’t this amazingly cool of me to do,” Nugent asked rhetorically, “to extend a hand to the unwashed, pot smoking, liberal menaces we have living among us like this? Even with all their safe spaces and hating of America they do, even they’d have to admit that I’m extra cool for putting away this shirt in which I call Hillary a cunt, right?”
Nugent said he also plans to add some elements to his stage shows that “deliver this same message of unity.”
“I’m no longer going to shoot effigies of Obama and Clinton,” Nugent said proudly, “I’ll just pick one each night. Shooting two just seems, I don’t know, a bit excessive now after Steve got shot.”
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