Ted Cruz’s Five Favorite Fap Flicks

These fine five films of faptastic delights are what Senator Ted Cruz looks to pop into his DVD player after a long day of being a piece of shit.

Ted Cruz’s Twitter account “liked” a tweet from a user with the handle of “@SexuallPosts” last night. And even though he’s blaming it on a staffer having control of his tweets, from outward appearances, we know Ted or someone very close to him has a penchant for porno. We here at Modern Liberals make zero judgments of Ted. At least for the porn thing. Literally everything else he says or thinks that isn’t, “The sky is blue,” or “Water is wet,” is categorically, insanely obvious bullshit and we judge him mightily for it.

But the thought of Ted watching porn, disgusting as that thought is, got me to thinking another thought — which porn titles are Ted Cruz’s favorites? So with a little elbow grease, and a lot of anti-nausea medication, I put myself inside the mind and — *gag* — libido of Ted Cruz.

So here now are:

Ted Cruz’s Five Favorite Fap Flicks

#1. “Left From The Behind”

Like any good porn, this film gets it title from another, mainstream film. The “Left Behind” series are about what happens to Christians after the Rapture, if they’re not magically beamed to heaven. The porno version of the film is very similar, except instead of missing their ride to heaven, the main characters were supposed to get into the same Lyft and take it to an orgy at a club called “Heaven.” So, same thing, really.

#2. “Star Whores”

Just like “Star Wars” except, you know, with whores. Ted’s a simple man, guys.

#3. “The Passion of the Christ”

No one tell Ted this isn’t a porno. Because he DEFINITELY jerks off to it like a real porno.



#4. “Dong With the Wind”

The original “Gone With the Wind” is a classic. It’s also an unabashed, almost literal whitewashing of the Confederacy. Over the years, while the acting performances have largely held up, the racial undertones have not. In this porn adaptation, the producers kept that racist vibe, which is exactly why Teddy loves it so much. Oh, but he’s a modern Republicans so don’t expect any overt racial slurs; just a lot of naked women pejoratively called “Urbans.”

#5. “Zodiac

In 2007, this thriller was released. Just like “The Passion of the Christ” earlier on this list, “Zodiac” is not an actual porno. But Ted still jacks off to this movie. Why? Because if you had a big ol’ Hollywood movie made about your past career, you’d probably jerk off to it too, that’s why.

 

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