This totally made-up, satirical news item first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
HASTINGS, NEW JERSEY — Earlier this year, Nordstrom’s, Neiman Marcus, Shoes.com, Belk, Jet, ShopStyle, and Gilt all dropped their business relationships with his daughter and unrequited love interest Ivanka, Sub-President Donald Trump has just received some disquieting news on his own personalized brand of Summer’s Eve feminine hygiene products.
“As of the end of Q2 2017,” Summer’s Eve Chief Media Strategist Becky Foley told the press on a semi-yearly conference call, “we will no longer be making the Summer’s Eve Donald Trump sponges, washes, or douches. Though, truthfully, the only product that ever sold much of anything was the douches.”
Foley said that the Trump douche “really flew off shelves.” She estimates that her bonuses in the years that the Donald Trump signature line of douches were selling best were in the tens of thousands of dollars a year.
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“If anything is certain,” Foley said, “it’s that our customers have really come to associate Donald Trump and douches. I mean, we just sold an absolute shit ton of those goddamn things, you know?”
Asked why the Trump douches in particular sold so well, Foley had some ideas, though she said she couldn’t be “exactly sure.”
“I think it was because it blows an extra amount of unnecessary shit,” Foley said. She continued, “Our customers seem to really like that it produces just an utter torrent of salty disgustingness that’s also somehow racist which is weird for an inanimate object to have, like, anthropomorphized emotions like that, I get it. But what can I tell you? The Donald Trump douche spews horrible racist shit.”
While discussing its sales record, Foley mentioned one feature of the Donald Trump douche that she thought might have also heavily influenced sales.
“It’s also got this really revolutionary feature where it grabs women’s genitalia as it’s working,” Ms. Foley said, “literally grabbing them by their, you know, and doing what it wants to do no matter what.”
Ms. Foley said, however, that since Mr. Trump announced his candidacy back in 2015, sales began to steadily decline. Foley says Summer’s Eve’s research shows that many customers said they got “Trump fatigue” and that they couldn’t stand the idea of him being anywhere near their genitalia “for some reason.”
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“It was right around the time of those Access Hollywood tapes,” Foley said, “all of a sudden, it started being a really bad idea to have anything remotely related to Donald Trump on, near, or especially in your vagina.
Sales plummeted throughout the election year, Foley says. The decision to end the Trump line of feminine hygiene products was actually made in the summer of 2016, but Foley says Summer’s Eve didn’t make the announcement so as to stay out of the election. She says Summer’s Eve didn’t want to be seen as trying to sway the election unfairly.
“I mean, what am we,” Foley asked, “the FBI?”
The Trump White House could not be reached for comment. However, at 5:15am this morning, Sub-President Trump tweeted that he was “super duper pissed at Summer’s Eve” because his douches “are the best douches” and he warned that Summer’s Eve would “pay the price for their lack of vision” and that President Bannon himself might pay a visit to their corporate offices and shoot lightning out of his finger tips at the executives.
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