This completely made-up political satire first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Speculation about whether President Donald Trump would retain Sean Spicer as his press secretary, and for how long, has reached a fever pitch on the Hill. This week, the rumors are shaking loose a narrative that Politico reported on — Spicer is interviewing his own replacement.
White House press secretary Sean Spicer is leading a search for his own replacement at the briefing room podium as part of a larger plan to shake up the White House communications operations, according to two people with knowledge of the effort. (source)
The report in Politico indicates that the White House communicated with Fox News to see if frequent contributor, radio host, and winner of Breitbart Publishing’s 2012 Eva Braun-Alik contest Laura Ingraham could be enticed to take over Spicer’s duties. David Martosko, the editor of the Daily Mail was also reportedly contacted to discuss the job. According to many sources, the hunt for the new press secretary has widened to a number of candidates.
“We have sought input from many people as we look to expand our communications operation,” said White House deputy press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “ (source)
While Ingraham and Martosko are two candidates that wouldn’t surprise many on either the right or the left, word has leaked that Spicer has interviewed at least one person that might raise eyebrows and turn some heads — actress and comedian Melissa McCarthy.
“I just thought she could be me, but like, you know, where people like me and stuff,” Spicer was overheard telling President Trump by several sources speaking on the condition of anonymity and turkey jerky.
Spicer’s thinking, Trump aides tell us, is that McCarthy is so good at impersonating his short-tempered, hostile, and combative demeanor during the White House press briefings that most people probably wouldn’t notice the difference. He admits, sources say, that McCarthy doesn’t look exactly like him, but that her tone, delivery, and exacerbating trolling of reporters is so accurate that the same points would be made. However, Spicer is willing to admit to himself that he’s nowhere near as popular or sympathetic a person as McCarthy, or even as the version of himself that she plays.
“I’m just boat-beet-bot-Bort-BOOT-licking toady,” Spicer apparently told Trump, “and everyone out there knows it. If you hire McCarthy, Mr. President, maybe there’s an outside chance people will think you’ve got a sense of humor about all of this. Maybe they’ll even think I’m not such a bad guy, Mr. President. Don’t you think that’s a good thing, sir?”
Trump reportedly burped, farted, mumbled something incoherent, and then signed a slew of executive orders Steve Bannon kept pushing onto his desk.
“Well, I’m going to interview her sir,” Spicer said, “and if she does well, I’m hoping you’ll approve her for the position. Then we just need to get final approval from the actual president, and we’ll be all set.”
Spicer started heading out of the Oval Office, thought of something, and then paused.
“Which reminds me, Mr. President,” Spicer told Trump, “if you could get me Mr. Putin’s direct line, I’d really appreciate it, sir.”
This is a developing story.
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