This completely satirical story first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — During a press briefing this morning, White House Press Secretary accused former President Barack Obama (D-Kenya) of putting a “Sharia voodoo hex” on Spicer and the entire Trump administration. The accusation comes after Spicer blamed the Obama administration for not properly vetting General Michael Flynn before the Trump administration hired him as its National Security Adviser before being fired for lying to Vice President Mike Pence about his contacts with Russian operatives.
“Look,” Spicer told reporters, “I don’t want to get ahead of the piss-president, but clearly former President Obama used his magic and placed a Sharia Voodoo hex on this admoon-admine-admeen-admoan-ADMINISTRATION, and that’s just sad.”
Spicer cited a report in Breitbart that was syndicated on World Net Daily that indicated Obama might have held a secret seance in the Lincoln Bedroom on January 19th, 2017, just hours before Trump was sworn in as the 45th President.
“It’s clear, if you look at the reports that President Trump had won the popular vote by about sixteen to eighteen trillion votes,” Spicer said, “until Obama came in and did a simsalabim on our asses, and the next thing you know, he’s not only wiped those eighteen trillion Americans off the map — Hello, HITLER MUCH?! — he’s also taken away their votes and Hillary Rodham Clinton was declared the winner of the popular vote, with the president getting the 306 Electoral College votes we all know he’s so very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very proud of.”
Mr. Spicer went on to list more than two dozen things he and the Trump administration openly blame on Mr. Obama’s alleged Sharia Voodoo Hex.
“It’s the hex’s fault I can’t speck-spook-spike-SPEAK or artichoke-ARTICULATE clearly,” Spicer said, continuing, “and clearly, it’s the hex’s fault that we didn’t fire Flynn immediately, and instead have made it look the entire time like we’re covering up far worse shit.”
Spicer indicated that the president blames Obama’s hex for his staff’s shortcomings and quirks that have dogged them since he took office.
“It’s the hex’s fault that Stephen Miller looks like a fucking vampire on TV,” Spicer said, “and the hex’s is what forced Kellyanne Conway to make up the term ‘alternative facts’ because she couldn’t just say our president is a big, orange, diaper wearing, tiny-handed liar.”
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Reached at the Chicago-Kenyan Unified Mosque for comment, former President Obama had a simple response to the allegations.
“Hahahahahahahahahahaha,” former President Obama laughed before taking another deep breathing and continuing, “hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!”
This is a developing story.
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