Welcome to a new weekly feature here on Modern Liberals. If you’re familiar with my work, and I mean, why wouldn’t you be, considering I’m world famous, amazingly good looking, and dependably fresh-smelling — you know I primarily write political satire. I thought it might be fun to talk about what I learned about politics each week while making up fake people and putting fake words in their mouth, or putting fake words in real people’s mouths, and here’s my first attempt at doing just that.
On Monday of this week, I learned that conservatives really hate when you change things that most of us either think need to be changed, or at least don’t care if they are. Like, for instance, taking a genocidal asshole (who happened to be president over 150 years ago) off our twenty dollar bill. The reaction that conservatives had on social media to Harriet Tubman being put on the twenty’s face inspired me to write the story,”Obama: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Mohammed Ali to Appear on $1 and $5 Bills by Executive Sharia Order,” wherein Obama decided to issue an Executive Sharia Order (because conservatives really do believe he believes he has that kind of power you see) to change two more bills, and this time not only did he put black people on it, but two Muslim American sports icons.
Also from Monday was “Cruz, Kasich Agree to Trade-Off Being ‘Sligthly More Palatable Diarrhea Sandwich’ to Trump,” which was written when I learned that Ted Cruz and John Kasich had decided to team up to try and stop Trump from getting the delegates he needs for the nomination. It occurred to me that Republicans really don’t get that moderate and liberal Americans, independents especially, probably won’t vote for any of the three turds that Reince Priebus is hoping to have polished up by November.
Then came Tuesday. and that day we got news that Cruz was just vetting Carly Fiorina for the VP job. Of course, a day later Teddy would make the announcement official. Personally, I thought it was a perfect choice since Republicans really love lying assholes as VPs. Hence, “Ted Cruz: ‘Carly Fiorina will bring back the Cheney tradition of lying pieces of shit’ as VP” was born. Also that day I wrote, “Trump: ‘I’ll prove I’m not a misogynist and charm the bitch outta’ Megyn Kelly” in response to news that Trump and Fox News’ top vapid flapping mouth for another interview in which the propaganda arm of the Republican Party will try to spin Trump in a positive light, since it seems they’re starting to accept that he may just get the delegates he needs to avoid a contested convention after all.
Trump is so horrid, I can’t help but think it’ll be like trying to try your shoes with with your balls to make him look like a good choice for about 70% of Americans.
Also on Tuesday, I found out that Republican in the State of Oklahoma had put SB1552 on their governor’s desk. What that bill does is effectively ban abortion in the Sooner State by making it illegal for doctors to perform an abortion outside of very, very narrow constraints. Those constraints are basically miscarriages and to save the life of the fetus, not the mother. Effectively, this means that rape and incest victims have been given the finger by Oklahoma Republicans, so I wrote, “Oklahoma Republicans Order “Fuck Rape Victims” Cake to Celebrate Passing Total Abortion Ban.”
On Wednesday I didn’t really learn anything new, so I wrote a piece about North Carolina’s bathroom bill called “North Carolina Cisgender Woman ‘Tired of Shitting in Public With an Audience’.” I wrote it because I figured that there have to be people in the state who feel like they’re being scrutinized too. Because those are always the unintended consequences of paranoia and ignorance-driven legislation. There are cans of worms that open up with laws like HB2, and I wanted to explore that concept satirically. So I did. Go me?
As the week wrapped up, Thursday I learned that John Boehner pretty much hates Ted Cruz. He was recorded saying that Ted was “Lucifer in the flesh” and calling Cruz a “son of a bitch.” Which of course had me feeling sorry for Satan, who did nothing to deserve such a lowly comparison. So I wrote, “Lucifer ‘extremely pissed’ John Boehner compared Ted Cruz to Him,” because someone had to stand up for the poor devil, didn’t they?
As always, this week was an up and down roller coaster of generalizations, empty rhetoric, and old fashioned, uncut, pure American Political Bullshit. It was a joy to write fake stories about it all. And by “joy” I mean, “an experience that simultaneously entertained and disgusted me,” of course. See you all next week!