This uproarious and obviously satirical news item first graced the Internet on The Political Garbage Chute.
CAN VALLEY, ARKANSAS — A friend of the dog killed by one of Gov. Mike Huckabee’s sons is speaking out against another one of Huckabee’s offspring.
Fido Jones is, according to the recent reports made by a dog walker from Buckhead Paws pet sitting, a friendly collie who hails from central Arkansas, was being interviewed by a local newspaper when the subject of Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ recent comments about what she said is a “morality” problem driving Chicago’s murder rate. Huckabee was speaking from the podium in the White House press briefing room and answering questions about President Donald Trump’s promise to send federal investigators and prosecutors to the Windy City in an attempt to curb violent crime.
Chicago has long been a city that anti-gun law advocates point to as a reason that gun control fails. Though those who say the country needs better gun laws argue that a lack of strong, centralized federal gun laws are more to blame, Fido says he was mostly angered and upset by the fact that Huckabee Sanders blamed Chicago’s murder rate on morality. Fido told the newspaper it was “really rich of any Huckabee to talk shit on someone else’s morality.”
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“All I’m saying is that dead-eyed psycho’s brothers tortured one of my friends to death,” Fido said, “but she’s lecturing Chicago about their morality? I wonder when she’ll want to do something about her dog killing brother’s morality problem.”
Fido was referring to a 1998 incident in which a then 17-year old David Huckabee and another man killed a dog that had wandered onto the campground at which they were counselors. Arksansas prosecutors asked police in the state to investigate, but according to a report on fact-checking site Snopes, then Governor Huckabee, David’s father, put considerable pressure on the police to drop the case.
John Bailey, then director of Arkansas’s state police, told Newsweek that personnel in Governor Huckabee’s employ (his chief of staff and personal lawyer) leaned on him to write a letter officially denying the local prosecutor’s request for an investigation: “Bailey, a career officer who had been appointed chief by Huckabee’s Democratic predecessor, said he viewed the lawyer’s intervention as improper and terminated the conversation.” (source)
“And don’t even get me started on her fat, gravy swilling fuck face father who helped her Bojed brother cover up the crime,” Fido told the paper, adding, “Chicago’s got morality issues, but her dog killing brother doesn’t? What-the-fuck-ever, lady.”
Mr. Jones also said that Ms. Huckabee Sanders’ position in the Trump administration “immediately negates any pearl clutching” she does about Chicago’s morality.
“She works for a man who bragged about sexually assaulting women, repeatedly,” Fido insisted, “Her boss bragged about walking in on teenage beauty pageant contestants. He’s an abusive sociopath who uses the power of the presidency to personally insult and attack private citizens. There is no morality in that man, and she’s going to lecture Chicago about their morality? What a fuckberry that woman is.”
The White House did not respond to requests for comments on this story.
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