We Should Rename The Electoral College ‘The Founders Dildo’ Because It Keeps Fucking Us

I know it was way back during the turn of the century and all, but the George W. Bush administration wasn’t exactly the best thing for the United States of America in the long run. By the time he left office, the Great Recession was draining a million jobs a month from our economy, we were embroiled in not one, but two extremely expensive wars. One of those wars was almost certainly started based on lies that reach the level of war crimes. And finding someone that lived outside our borders that held our country in high regard was like finding a microscopic needle in a haystack as large as the Titanic.

We know now thanks to the 9/11 commission that while maybe they couldn’t have prevented the 9/11 attacks, the Busy/Cheney team completely and willfully ignored warning signs of impending doom. Their hubris was legendary, that gang of politicos. And the eight years of Dubya had been so painful that the country somehow managed to get over its long held belief that we’d never have a black man as our president, and we re-elected him four years ago because we still didn’t trust Republicans.

This is a good time to remind you that George W. Bush, like Donald J. Trump, became our president because of a quirky, anti-democratic electoral mechanism that tosses out the will of the people in favor of equally representing smaller states, even though the president answers to all fifty states equally anyway.

The Electoral College is the only reason the Bush Era even happened. Let that sink in. If our Founding Fathers hadn’t decided that they just couldn’t trust the unwashed, uneducated masses to truly self-govern themselves, they’d never have created the Electoral College, and Al Gore would have won a very close election in 2000. Who’s to say if he’d have truly ended up a better president than George W., but considering that an empty Bisquick box would have the sense to not invade Iraq, I’d say it’s a pretty safe bet he would have been better than Bush by a pretty fair amount.

In 2000, we all probably thought, “Well, that’s weird that it happened like that. But, hey, it’s so rare, who cares? It’ll never happen again now, because people get their votes truly do count.”




Jump-cut to a week ago, and we’re all reeling from the fact that despite her winning more votes than nearly any other candidate in the history of the nation, Hillary Clinton was handed a heartbreaking defeat because of the Electoral College, which I believe now really should be rechristened “The Founders’ Dildo.” It has welly and truly fucked us twice in the last decade and a half, which ironically is the number of times that Trump has had sex without having to pay for it in some way, shape or form in the same time period, I’m sure.

One thing that Trump supporters are going to have to come to grips with is that while they won fair and square, according to the rules we’ve used for presidential elections since the Constitution was adopted, they didn’t win a mandate for their candidate. Not by a long shot. I keep seeing maps that right-wingers post that show how we libtarded libtards only occupy the edges of the continent. Maps like this one, below.

map-results

But here’s the problem with that map — it assumes that all the blue places are unanimously blue and all the red places are unanimously red. It doesn’t take into account the millions of Americans who inexplicably decided not to vote at all. Some say that means they didn’t want either candidate to win, but until you ask them all, who knows why they didn’t vote. The point is that to presume that there’s this large chunk of the country where you can’t find a single Democrat is ridiculous. Just ask any Republican living in my state, California.

Even beyond the fact that there is no part of the country that’s purely red or purely blue, the bottom line is really simple: Territory isn’t the same as people.

That means something so easy to understand even Trump voters can grasp it — land isn’t voters. There are still, thanks to the popular vote counts, nearly a million more Americans that voted directly against Donald Trump. So while you can claim you’re speaking for America because more geographical territory was painted red, dirt doesn’t vote. Lakes and streams, and yes, even farms? They don’t actually vote.

People vote. People are who matter. It’s not “We, The Territory.” It’s not “We, The Land.” It’s “We, The People.” So just remember that the next four years or so. Remember how back when Dubya was president there were a lot of pissed off, angry progressive Americans who loathed the bastard? That’s what happens when the loser actually wins. Apparently what also happens is your country goes to utter shit and the progressive guy or gal’s gotta come along and sweep the debris up.

The Electoral College, at one point in history had a good purpose. When we were just a tiny group of disparate states huddling together against the greatest empire of its day, we needed to keep everyone placated and make sure the lesser-populated states had a say. But now, in the light of 240 years of a constitutional republic — something that would stay the same if we directly elect our president and vice president only — it’s obviously outdated.

Now, the reverse effect has happened twice in the last five elections. The smaller, less populated states have robbed the “majority” of the president they wanted. This isn’t protecting minorities against oppressive government, this is stymieing Americans and stifling their voice, robbing them of self-governance. Why? Because of an arcane rule that was only meant to keep us from putting a truly unqualified, dangerous lunatic in the driver’s seat of our country…

…whoops.

The bottom line? If I were a Republican, I’d bite my tongue before I crowed about our electoral victories in the last twenty years. Without the assist from white, slave owning elitist founders, they’d be 0-for-5, most likely. So just, you know, ruminate on that fact as you work out for yourself whether Trump has a mandate.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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