DES MOINES, IOWA — Unsure how a home-TV audience would react to a prime time debate without his party’s front runner, Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus has come up with a solution he says is “actually pretty okay.” He commissioned a Donald J. Trump analogue be created so that it can stand in for Trump during tonight’s GOP primary debate.
The analogue is comprised mostly of a burlap sack, filled to the brim with flatulence.
“Trump is already very similar to a bag of farts,” Priebus said in explanation of his idea. “He is bloated and bilious and anything that comes out of his mouth is usually just hot, putrid air.” Priebus said that the idea for the fart-filled sack was “an easy one” that came to him while he was thinking about how empty the debate stage would look without the billionaire reality-TV star on it.
“When you think of Donald Trump, you think of big holes,” Priebus said to reporters as he unveiled his bag of farts substitute for Trump, “and God only knows if he isn’t present in some way, shape, or form at tonight’s debate, ratings will be way down.” Mr. Priebus said that while the farts are in fact “hella stanky” because he “ate four large meat lovers pizza” so he could personally oversee the construction of the simulated Trump and his “own, personal farts are what is keeping the sack afloat.”
The burlap sack, Preibus said, is made of the highest quality materials. Priebus told the press that when it comes to asking Bag of Farts Trump questions, they’ve come up with a unique solution.
“Obviously, Donald is a true rarity. Because typically, sacks of farts can’t speak,” Priebus said. “Luckily for us, among his many talents, Rick Santorum is also a hell of a ventriloquist. He’s been the one speaking for Ben Carson whenever Dr. Carson’s narcolepsy kicks in…which is always.” Mr. Priebus said Santorum would be providing the voice for Trump’s answers to debate questions, which have been pre-written.
Priebus told reporters that writing the canned responses for Trump was very easy for him to do.
“Let’s face it. All I had to do was put the words ‘huge’ and ‘winner’ in there every few syllables, mention China, say something terrible about Megyn Kelly’s vagina, and then bing bang boom,” Priebus said, “instant Trump.”
With just a few days left before Iowan Republicans cast their primary ballots, Trump has a comfortable lead in most national polling.
Cross-posted from The Political Garbage Chute.