Everyone, allow me to just go ahead and save the fuck outta humanity, right fucking now. Ready? Of course you’re not. But that’s okay. Plebs are never ready for revolution; they’re just along for the ride.
Okay…prepare to have your minds blown forever and ever and ever again.
Radical Islamic Terrorism.
BOOM. Done. Handled. International, global crisis solved. And, of course it goes without saying, but…you really should thank me so I can spontaneously and magnanimously say, “No worries.”
It feels so damn good to have done what we all us real, honest, ammo-hoarding, God fearing, Jesus’ love abiding, libtard faggot hating Americans knew just needed to be done to kill terrorism forever. Not only did me just using three words together in a specific sequence end terrorism, it ended terror. And I mean that you are no longer going to feel any kind of emotion that can be described as “terror” ever again. I mean that. We will send security to find you if you even remotely say you’re feeling terror at any point from this moment forward. It’s goddamned illegal to feel terror now, and His Glorious Royal President Trump™ will maintain this terror-free world I gave you, because he’s the best at everything, and also, “reasons.”
I have no idea what Killary Clintstoned and Maobama The Great had against saving humanity, but it’s probably the same thing they have against the Constitution they used for one of them to be elected president — twice — and another to be within grasp of it if she can stop bumblefucking responses to things between now and November…they fucking hate it. Why else would they not save humanity by simply uttering “Radical Islamic Terrorism,” and maybe adding the optional fist pound on the podium, if not because they hate the idea of saving humanity? We all know that’s right outta Saul Alinsky’s personal playbook, which Democrats hand back and forth like a Sith lightsaber version of Anakin’s.
As soon as I used the magic words, I am sure that leaders from ISIS, Al Qaeda, Hamas, and every other Jihadist organization called the U.N. and said, “Shit, we’re sorry guys. That was way fucked up of us. As soon as that guy in America said ‘Radical Islamic Terrorism’ we saw the error in our ways and we are surrendering forever and ever.” In fact, I wouldn’t surprised if all the Islamic terrorists in the world started working on time travel tech, just so they could un-fly the planes into the World Trade Center. I bet that within 20 minutes of reading this, you’ll check CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, HuffPo, or wherever you get your news from, and the top story will be, “Radical Islamic Terrorism Uttered Once, World Peace Forever Established.”
It doesn’t just work for terrorism either. Just saying “Colon Cancer” out loud will cure it. Just saying “World Hunger” will feed every starving person. Just simply sending your thoughts and prayers is proven to help stop gun violence, but did you know just saying, “Gun Violence” will solve gun crime forever, meaning stupid-ass libtards with their notions of 21st century regulations on 21st century weapons, despite an 18th century legal document framing the argument can fuck off!
We just need to say things out loud, and we can fix them. It’s the way Jesus and God want it to be, so who are you to argue with Jesus and God?
You’re welcome, all of you. Trust me, this was really hard, and it took a lot of effort. I wanted to just shout, “Ooga Booga!” but I’m glad I went the whole nine yards and actually called out Radical Islamic Terrorism specifically. It clearly did a shit load of good, and I should probably get some kind of medal or something.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.