Last week, top Trump official Kellyanne Conway set the media’s hair on fire when she gave an impromptu plug to her boss’s clothing lines. Conway, during a morning interview from the White House, gave a free plug to Ivanka Trump’s line of merchandise after several retailers — most notably Nordstrom’s, dropped the Trump heiress’s line while citing slumping sales figures. While the official administration response was to tell America that Conway was “counseled” for her misdeeds, which were a pretty clear violation of conflict of interest laws, a government watchdog group, tasked with keeping governmental ethics at the forefront, has issued guidance to the Trump team suggesting a more formal disciplinary action be taken against Ms. Conway.
Which got me to thinking…how exactly would, or could, Trump punish his top crypt keeper? And here’s what I came up with…
#4. Not Accepting Her Resignation
There are two main schools of thought on Kellyanne right now. One is that she’s a willing participant in the shit show that is the Trump White House, hungry for power and fame. There’s another that paints her more as an unwitting accomplice to the bumblefuckery and outright white nationalism. She did retweet a white nationalist on Valentine’s Day, after all. Whichever is the case, something tells me as it becomes more and more apparent how quickly the ship is sinking, Conway will want off it, like all smart rats do. But Trump could punish Conway for breaking the law with the Ivanka plug by simply not letting her quit. One extra day by his side should be enough punishment.
#3. Make Her Rick Perry’s Personal Science Tutor
Spending thirty seconds with Rick Perry is probably enough to make you feel ten times more stupid than you were when you walked into the room. Imagine how painful it would be to try to teach Rick complicated things like “the sun rises in the east,” or “water is wet,” or “pollution is actually bad for the environment.” Imagine how pissed Conway would be if she had to prepare Perry for his job as Secretary of Energy by explaining such simple things to him. Sounds like a good punishment, if you ask me.
#2. Put Her In A Gold Bikini And Chain Her To Him
Everybody in the galaxy knows the best way to punish a woman if you happen to be a vile, bloated, gangster who sits on a high dais and bellows commands to his bungling, inept, and corrupt minions, it’s slapping a gold bikini on her chaining her to you. Sure, she may eventually get fed up with your bullshit, wrap the chain around your neck and choke you the fuck out, but hey, maybe you’ll get to feed her to your rancor first, know what I mean?
#1. Force Her To Watch Old Tapes Of Himself From The 1980s and 1990s
Believe it or not, before 62 million people made the incredibly naive choice of electing him, most people had figured out what a dumb piece of shit Trump is. In fact, by the late 1990’s, he was pretty much just a the butt of jokes in pop culture. Now, of course he’s the leader of the fucking free world. But it’d be hell of a strong punishment to make Kellyanne watch tapes of Trump attention whoring himself all over Hollywood and the entertainment industry he now claims to have never wanted to be a part of. Just five minutes of watching Trump in dumb cameos would teach anyone a strong lesson and discourage them from acting out ever again.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.