"Pro-Life" Internet Activist Threatens Comedy Writer Because He Can't Understand Satire

Welcome to Florida USA
Welcome to Florida USA
MOM’S BASEMENT, TOAD SUCK, ARKANSAS — Pro-life Internet activist Willy Evaleav was just shocked and all a flutter when the big social networking sites announced they would comply with the European Union’s laws regarding online hate speech. “I just had to jump on my computer and start hashtagging #IStandWithHateSpeech all night long on the Twitters, because I’ll be damned if them Zuckerbergs are gunna infringe on my first amendment rights!” he explained, as he picked a particularly onerous wedgie.
Willy went on to explain that he felt so strongly about his right to express himself uncensored online, he had immediately demanded his momma wash and iron him a fresh pair of tighty whities in honor of the occasion.
“I mean, if they start taking away our abilities to type whatever pops into our heads, what the devil is that gon mean for freedom and ‘Murica I ask ya? It’s likely to start lookin’ like one of them Trump rallies you seen on the television; that po’ dude can’t even tell it like it is without folks tryin’ to suppress him, ya know?”



When pressed, Willy Evaleav admitted his “most favoritest cause is pro-life”. He sees “all human life is just, you know, so very important, and it must be protected at all costs! If I don’t jump on the Interwebs and rant at strangers about the sanctity of fetusi pro-life you know, what is the point of…of…my existential existencisense? I feel like it’s my job, my only purpose, ya know?”
This explained why, when Willy came across a news article online about a woman who gave herself an abortion with an AR-15, he was momentarily conflicted. Fortunately for him, his IQ of 79 prevented him from thinking too hard, so he immediately jumped into pro-life action mode to rectify the situation.
“I just had to do something. Them babies are too important for me to sit here and pretend I didn’t see anything. So I tracked down that bastard author, found out all his information, and goddamn I posted it publick! And I told him exactly what I thought of his opinion, and how he had no right to say any of those nasty horrible no good rotten awful hateful terrible shitty thangs! What is this world coming to when folks are just allowed to write such garbage, ya know? We should have laws against that!”
Willy is currently chasing his own tail in the local mental institution for Internet Hypocrites, where is speech is suppressed with regularly scheduled doses of Haldol, and he was unable to provide any further comments. His Facebook account has been shutdown.
Bye Felicia…we mean Willy.

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