President Marco Rubio Really Wants to Get In Your Pants

Marco Rubio isn't a "new breed" of Republican at all.

Whether you’re a male or female, gay, straight, or anywhere in between — Marco Rubio wants to get inside your pants.

If you’re a woman, he wants to shrink the size of government down so far he can get inside of it, and pilot it all the up your vagina, past your uterus and into your Fallopian tubes. He hasn’t said that he wants to play egg keeper for every single female in the country, but considering that he is so staunchly “pro-life” (we’d call it “pro-birth industry” if we were honest in this country) that he doesn’t even support exceptions for rape or incest, I don’t think I’m too far off the mark. After all, that means in Marco Rubio’s ideal dream world, he could keep track of every fertilized ovum so that he could determine, should the pregnancy terminate, if it was done so naturally or with the help of a medical professional.

The good news is that Marco doesn’t seem to discriminate against lesbians, unless they want to get married of course. President Marco Rubio’s rigorous defense of zygotes I would guess also extends to those women who happen to be lesbians and pregnant. Which of course means if you’re a pregnant lesbian in Marco Rubio’s America, you’d better hope to whatever God you believe in that you don’t need an abortion because, well, too bad! You’re just as unworthy of controlling your vagina as a heterosexual woman would be.

If you’re not a woman, don’t worry! Marco won’t stop thinking about your junk too. Just this past weekend he told Chuck Todd on NBC’s “Meet the Press” that he had a solid plan (in his estimation) to make marriage equality go away. Marco’s answer? Just pack the Supreme Court with conservative justices. I mean, the reality is that would probably very much so work. He’d have to get his justices past a Senate that I’m assuming would still have enough Democrats in it to block his nominees, but hey, this is Marco’s cream dream, so maybe in that scenario he’s not only got a veto-proof majority, he can finally get congressional approval for that Vagina Czar he wants in his cabinet, to boot.

What’s funny to me is that to hear a Republican speak, you’d assume they thought gay stuff was so “icky” that the last thing they’d do is think about it so much that they’d want to write laws to stop it. I mean, I’m not a big fan of the San Francisco Giants. Because I have taste in baseball franchises. But the larger point I’m making here is that I don’t go out and buy Giants gear or tickets to Giants games. I do my level best to not let anything Giants related into my stream of consciousness. And that’s why I definitely wouldn’t try to outlaw being a Giants fan, because I don’t think about them enough to care that much.

Why then, do they think about everyone’s sexual morality so much? Religion, I guess. Growing up in a conservative Christian home, we were told all the reasons to be good, clean, and pure. I get it. less diseases, fewer unwanted pregnancies. But the leap from a rational argument for at least some kind of prudence in terms of who you make the sex with to writing laws about it gigantic. I remember being told that every human life is so sacred we must protect the unborn, but we never dug deep into how real life works, where there is rape, incest, and the reality that every single pregnancy, even the ones that go “according to plan” are a direct risk to the health of the mother. It’s just a religious based argument to save those poor souls trapped in murder wombs.

I think I’d care a lot less about Republican puritanism if it wasn’t so goddamned hypocritically juxtaposed against their mantra of small government. Nothing is more tyrannical than a government that can force women to become nothing but incubating cows. Nothing oversteps a government’s duties faster than it insinuating itself into adults’ bedroom activities. I’m not saying I’d agree with them if they came out and said, “We just want people to have sex lives like our religion says they should have,” but the intellectual honesty out of that camp would be refreshing.

Come November, if Rubio is the GOP’s guy, I hope enough people decide they don’t want him in their pants. But if not, then I hope they bought pants big enough for the two of them.

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