CNN, Mexico, Saturday Night Live, states that didn’t give him their Electoral College votes, and pretty much anyone who says a critical thing about him…these are people, places, or things all on President Donald Trump’s shit list. Since being elected, Trump has feuded with any number of people and institutions. Apparently, Mr. Trump believed he would win unanimously and be the most popular president of all time. And apparently he believes that so much he’s willing to fight, and throw untold millions of taxpayer dollars investigating whether or not he was cheated out of votes or, if by some totally impossible chance a lot of people just think he’s a big, orange prick.
But all this feuding he’s doing got me to thinking…is there anyone that Trump is currently in a fight with? Maybe it’d be easier to list the people and things he’s not fighting with, because listing everyone he’s currently pissed off at might take a century or two. And after doing at least ten to fifteen minutes of intense Googling, I found some options, and I’d like present them all to you now.
6 People, Places, or Things President Donald Trump Is Not Feuding With At The Moment
#6. Ted Cruz
We’re sure you remember the moment at the end of last year’s Republican convention when Senator Ted Cruz strode out onto the stage and told Republican voters to vote their consciences. It seemed to be a pretty bold and brave stance against his party’s nominee. It seemed like Cruz really was the principled man he portrayed himself to be. But then at some point he decided to endorse the man who accused his dad of being in on the conspiracy to kill JFK and said horrible things about his wife. Now, you never hear Cruz criticize the president, so apparently ol’ Zodiac Ted is as squishy as he’s accused every other Republican of being.
Which would make him a hypocrite…but that just seems totally impossible, doesn’t it?
#5. Ivanka Trump
He could never feud with her. How could anyone feud with her? Just look at her! She’s way too hot to be mad at. The only thing Donald feels when he sees Ivanka is pride….and an intense, turgid swelling in his pants zone. It’s a safe bet that no matter what happens the next four years — nuclear war with Mexico, trade and nuclear war with China, nuclear war with California — Trump will always be able to count on his deep, deep, deep, super-deep, PLUNGING love for his own daughter…who is, again, very, very sexy.
One thing seems pretty clear from just a week in office: There will never be any stress or tension between Russia and Trump. Which kinda makes sense. It’d be like if there was a feud between Edger Bergen and Charlie McCarthy. Or between Sherry Lewis and Lambchop. Or Jeff Dunham and the puppets he makes his oh-so hilarious comedy with/takes home and fucks every night. Of course Trump and Russia will always be friends.
Then again, the monster eventually turned on Dr. Frankenstein so…
#3. Fox News
Three’s no way that Trump would be in a fight with Fox News right now. Megyn Kelly has gone on to NBC, and more importantly, Fox is doing their part to become the official state sponsored media of the U.S. government. When Trump recently attacked Chelsea Manning as an “ungrateful traitor,” he did so after seeing the exact phrase used to describe Ms. Manning on Fox News minutes earlier. When Trump referred to the “carnage” of Chicago and said that he’d “send in the feds,” he was aping rhetoric that Bill O’Reilly had used the night before. If Trump were to get into a fight with Fox New, he might lose his best speechwriters.
#2. The Religious Right
Why wouldn’t a bunch of hardcore, super-duper Christian moralists not love Donny Trump? Sure, 20 or so years ago they were flipping their shit over a presidential blowjob from a consenting adult and last year they helped elect a thrice-married admitted sexual predator and womanizer, but hey, who needs intellectual honesty when you’re trying to stop abortions from happening? At least they’re supporting a guy who thinks he’s God, right?
#1. Donald Trump
Of course Donny ain’t fightin’ with Donny! No one knows how awesome Donald Trump is more than Donald Trump knows how awesome Donald Trump is. When you know you’re so great, you never really question yourself. No matter how much abject failure you bring about, you never have to second-guess yourself when you’re Donny Trump.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.