WASILLA, ALASKA — Former Alaska Governor and failed 2008 Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin tried to come to the rhetorical rescue of billionaire mogul and 2016 Republican front runner Donald J. Trump this week.
At a press conference for her new elk-scented perfumes and colognes, or “colons” as her accompanying press release called them, Palin fielded some questions from reporters afterward and was asked about whether she believes Trump’s story about seeing American Muslims in New Jersey on the day of the 9/11 attacks celebrating in the streets. Though the video simply cannot be found anyway, and even NBC’s Chuck Todd got quite heated with Trump over his claims that they do, Palin immediately told reporters she “knows for a full-fledged, gosh-darned fact” that Islamic Americans were celebrating after the attacks on September 11th, 2001.
“You know, Donald’s a good man,” Palin told reporters, “and so if he says he saw it, he saw it. But you know what? Now that I think back to that inglorious day, I remember seeing Muslims in America chanting and singing in the street.” When pressed by members of the media for where she saw such a display, without blinking Palin said, “From my back yard, of course, silly!”
Ms. Palin told the reporters that she, her husband Todd and her daughter Bristol — who at 10 years old was just seven years away from showing her true Christian family values by getting pregnant out of wedlock and as a teenager — were all outside the morning of September 11th. They had just watched the news coverage of the World Trade Center buildings collapsing, when they “stepped outside into the cool Alaskan air” to clear their heads. There she said, she saw something she’d “never forget” in her “whole gall-durned, golly-gosh life.”
“We went outside,” Ms. Palin said, “and we could hear really, really, really, really faintly in the distance people cheering and they kept saying something about Admiral Ackbar, you know, from Star Trek?” Palin said that’s when Todd got his rifle with its most powerful scope on it out of Bristol’s closet and pointed it eastward, toward New Jersey. Former Governor Palin told reporters that’s when they each took turns squinting through the sights, and “by some early Christmas miracle,” Palin says, they could see from “[their] home in Alaska to the streets of New Jersey” and “there were tons of people [they could] only assume were Muslims, gathered, chanting, and standing in the street, arm in arm.”
Asked if she thinks that the people she allegedly saw were actually Muslims cheering, or simply a group of New Jersey citizens mourning en masse, Palin blinked for a moment. Then let out a barely audible, squeaking fart. “I don’t think so. The people we totally for sure most definitely saw were Muslims, and they were definitely cheering,” Palin said, “I just know it, like you know that the Earth is 6,000 years old and that background checks on firearms are literally worse than the Holocaust.”
No reputable fact-checking or media agency to date has been able to produce any evidence that Muslims in America were celebrating the attacks of 9/11. Sarah Palin hasn’t won a public election since 2006, and hasn’t completed a full term for any office she was elected to in that same period.
Originally published on The Political Garbage Chute.