So you want to vote Donald Trump out of office, eh? You see and understand the existential threat that Trumpism, not really even conservatism, represents to our country, do you? You’re all-in to help get that bloated orange brat out of the White House, and you’re ready to back a candidate that will do just that, I see?
Well, hold your GD horses, man/woman! Because before you go and throw your support behind someone, don’t you want to know if they’re indeed going to be a better president than Donald Trump? And aren’t the ones who are going to be better than Trump the only ones you really should consider? We wouldn’t want to get rid of Trump by electing Hitler, right? Exactly.
Now, you may think that you have a good idea how to tell who you should support. You may think that, this time around, any generally progressive candidate will be a far cry better than Trump. But that’s crazy thinking! You need the literally perfect candidate, otherwise what’ the point? If you’re not voting for the pure candidate, you might as well keep Trump in office. If your candidate doesn’t say the exact right thing, and doesn’t parrot literally every thought you have, you’re not doing anyone any favors by voting for them.
Sure, to err is human, no one is perfect. And yes, we liberals are supposed to embrace the idea of people evolving and changing. BUT FUCK THAT! Take our word for who you should choose, instead!
In the interest of doing a public service, we have taken a look at the list of approximately 700 people on the Democratic side, and even the one or two people in Trump’s party who have decided to challenge him in a primary, and we can now reveal, after exhaustive research, which of these candidates you should even remotely consider for 2020. And without any further delay, here we go.
The Only Candidates Who Would Do A Better Job Than Donald Trump and Are Therefore Worthy Of Your Vote:
All of them. Literally all of them.
But what about what they said 30 years ago about ____?
No, right. That was bullshit, and if that person was who was running today, you’d be right to not vote for them. But do you feel the exact same way about shit as you did 30 years ago? If so, congrats on not learning anything in life!
Yeah, but isn’t that one person taking money from ____?
Dude, yeah, of course. That’s bullshit, and I hope for the whole time your candidate is in office, should they win, that you hold their feet to the fire and force them to not be a puppet to the donor class. But that person probably won’t lie to you 10,o00 times in two years so…
Okay, I get it, but in 2016 this person didn’t back Hillary hard enough!
Um. Do you think they’d want to kidnap brown babies at the border? No? Then kinda shut the fuck up about 2016, a little.
But what about –
Yes, they too would be better than Trump.
Sure, but then there’s –
Nope. They, too, would be better than Trump.
Except, remember how they –
Are they going to gut your healthcare and your grandma’s Social Security? No? Then they’re better than Trump.
It just seems like you’re saying literally anybody else would be better than Trump and we should stop wanting our best candidate to win!
To morons, yes, that’s probably what it sounds like. To pragmatic adults, I’m hoping it sounds different.
Fine. Okay. But there has to be one person in the field you don’t think we should vote for!
Sure, in a perfect world about half of them would be gone from the list already. But until you can prove that any of them would say that there are some “very fine people” who support white supremacy, your argument is invalid and moot.
So we should –
Support the candidate that can best beat Trump, yes.
Even if that candidate –
Yes. Even if that candidate ____. They’ll be better than Trump. And that’s the fucking point.
Are you really implying you don’t have a favorite or someone you’d want more?
Of course I do. And I will fight for that person by supporting them in the primary. But I’m also prepared to do what I have to do to help push Trump out, because that’s literally more important than continuing this fucked-up status quo, and I really hope most people see that as uncontroversial as I think it is.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.