This satirical news story first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Events seem to be quickening in pace in the nation’s capital, and this morning is no exception.
Highly placed sources within the White House have leaked, through various channels, that Co-President Trump’s cleaning staff have unearthed secretly recorded conversations between Donald Trump and a whole host of people, starting during the 2016 election. Sources say the tapes were made just after Mr. Trump seemed to dare Russian cyber attackers to go after his electoral rival, Hillary Rodham Clinton, and hack her emails.
“These tapes are pretty mundane for the most part,” one staffer told the Dallas Star Ledger, “just a lot of old, rich, white people talking about how fun it would be to blow up the social safety net working class people depend on because you can never have enough vacation homes. And lots of hopeful talks about how great it would be to rip apart immigrant families, just like Jesus Christ would want us to do. So, you know, pretty much bargain basement Republican stuff.”
Sources say that senior members of Congress are working as hard as they can to explain to Mr. Trump that if President Obama had obtained the warrant to tap his phones, that meant a court felt there was probable cause. Trump reportedly responded, “Well, I’m probably gonna cause you to get my shit in your mouth, egghead.” It’s reported that Trump is being sent sixth grade civics textbooks to inform how the government he helps to run actually works.
In one tape, Trump is heard ordering “the smallest gloves you can possibly make” from the Isotoner company. In another, he’s heard on the phone with the CEO of Home Depot asking for a discount on three million gallons of orange paint. One recorded conversation features Trump, Steve Bannon, Jeff Sessions, and Stephen Miller discussing just how many copies of the Koran they should burn at an election rally last year.
Another aide told a newspaper in Racine Falls, Iowa that they could remember one tape contained a call between Attorney General Jeff Sessions and someone he just kept calling “Comrade V.”
“So Comrade V would ask Sessions how things are progressing,” the aide said, “and Sessions would rattle off some southern saying like, ‘Finer than a June bug on a hound dog’s leg in the middle of Joo-Lie’ or something. Then they talked about some kind of shower party — a baby shower for Comrade V? I’m not sure. But he asked Attorney General sessions if he’d like the ‘Trump Special’ the next time he’s in Moscow. Whatever that is.”
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One tape in particular caught the attention of a third White House source, who would only be identified by the name, “Shmashmanka.”
“I had no idea that they were taping every conversation,” Shmashmanka told us, “because if I had I would have told Daddy — er, the Co-President — to keep his naughty talk to our private times. I keep trying to tell him not everyone understands a love like ours, but, he’s Donald Trump. He’s pig headed, stubborn, and a sexual predator. So it’s kinda useless, really.”
The White House declined to comment on this story, as it is actual fake news and they only comment on real news to call it fake.