Mitch McConnell Proposes New, Republican-Only Constitution to Block Scalia Replacement

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has a unique idea to solve the constitutional crisis over Scalia's seat.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) submitted a proposal late Monday night to hold a Constitutional Convention for the express purpose of creating a new, Republican-only Constitution to block President Barack H. Obama (D-Some Muslin Country) appointing a new Supreme Court Justice.

“Well, I don’t very much know if this is legal per se,” McConnell told his fellow Senators on the floor, “but dagnabbit if we aren’t in one hellacious dilly whomper of a moo-moo mangler, and I think the gentlemen and ladies from the South know what I mean there.” McConnell told the Senate that in his opinion the only way to break the gridlock in D.C. and “ensure that President Obama’s socialist attack on our high court is thwarted,” the creation of two “sub-unions” was necessary.

The sub-unions, McConnell explained would be “good, wholesome, clean, Republican States” and “goddless, un-American, Sharia Democratic States.”

“I do declare,” Senator McConnell said, his thumbs hooked into his suspenders, his coat lain upon a wicker chair beside him, “Obama’s marching us to the Socialist Jew Ovens of Hitler and all the Democrats just want us to up and quote-unquote, do what the Constitution says.” McConnell brought out a handkerchief from his back, left hip pocket and mopped his brow with it. It was patterned after the Confederate Battle Flag. “It is time, for us to just have two sub-countries within one big country,” he said, adding, “I’m not speaking of some horrible damnation secession here, neither. Just two, separate but equal – -golly that has a great ring! — sub-countries under one nation under One True American God.”

After the uproarious laughter from the Democrats in the chamber had subsided, and McConnell and righted his spectacles, which had become askew from the force of the wind escaping the guffawing Democrats’ mouths, he dabbed a tear from his eye.

“Now, hear me out, Democrats,” he said his voice quavering. “You could have all the gay abortions you wanted,” McConnell offered with a slight uptick in his tone, “and you could tax everyone at a billion percent like we all know you liberals genuinely want to do. And you can take the In God We Trust off the coins finally!” He told Democrats that Republicans all knew they wanted that phrase off currency “thanks to our grandmothers’ ever-vigilant email forwarding.”

McConnell blasted the Democrats for being “a party to the president’s permanent subversion of our constitution by way of doing his constitutional duty.”

“Just who the hell gave Barack HUSSEIN Obama permission,” McConnell demanded, “to nominate Supreme Court Justices in the first place? The voters? When they duly and freely elected him twice? Knowing full-well one of the explicitly-named duties of the office is to nominate Supreme Court Justices? Is that what you’re telling me? Huh? That the Constitution totally takes care of this exact scenario for this exact reason?”

At the time of publication, Senator McConnell is still asking rhetorical questions.

 

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