Mississippi Jesus Feeds the 5,000

Mississippi Jesus makes his debut

A band of free-loading liberals with nothing better to do, certainly not actually go to work and earn a living, followed Mississippi Jesus into the flat terrain of the Delta on a hot July morning.

Mississippi Jesus preached all day about the hell-fire and brimstone that would reign down upon them if they did not immediately repent of their wicked ways and walk down the makeshift aisle and confess their failures before His Father and man. Red-faced and sweating from the exertion, Mississippi Jesus looked up with blessed relief to find the scorching hot sun was finally beginning to set. He hollered over at Philip to see how the problem of feeding the masses could be solved. When Philip told him that not only did these lazy Democrats not have any money, but also there was not a store in sight that was even open, Mississippi Jesus blew out a disgusted breath.

“You mean to tell me they expect us to feed them? Out of our own food and hard-earned money?” As He was lamenting the decline in society, obviously brought on by the Politically Correct Liberal Elite, the more Socialist-leaning disciple Andrew came forward with a young boy who had offered his meager lunch of five loaves of Wonder Bread and two slices of fried bologna.

“Seriously?” asked Mississippi Jesus. “I’m just gonna hand this out without even drug-testing these people? This child is giving up his lunch, and we have no way of knowing if these folks are even usin’!”

Andrew the Bernie-lovin’ Socialist pointed out that studies showed in fiscal year 2015, the state spent over $330k to find ten drug users. And even then, would that mean their children should be punished?

“Who cares? I’m not using the hard-earned money of the rest of these guys to support even ONE druggie! Disciples, go forth and drug test the posse. Any of ‘em who test positive can starve. I guess we’ll go ahead and feed the rest, but just this once. After this, though, it’s up to them. What a bunch of freeloaders.”

The disciples begrudgingly handed out free food, muttering trite blessings only when they noticed news cameras were zooming in on them. The Governor made a brief appearance, handed a slice of bread to one hungry soul, then immediately rushed back to his fuel-guzzling motorcade, more determined than ever to enact stricter legislation to cut benefits to moochers, because that’s what Mississippi Jesus would do.

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