Marijuana is evil, obviously. Whether its vile people like Olympic gold medal record holder Michael Phelps, or the late Carl Sagan, or the comedic icon Tommy Chong, everyone knows that if you smoke pot you’re a communist and you hate America, freedom, Jesus Christ, and apple pie. That’s why it makes such perfect sense to put marijuana in the same legal classification as the drugs that it’s just as dangerous to use. Like you know, heroin and cocaine. Everyone knows pot is a gateway drug, but not just a gateway to other drugs, to being a Sharia loving secret Kenyan usurper. Remember, Obama was in the Choom Gang!
So, with that said, clearly marijuana prohibition has worked like a charm in many ways, and the Trump administration is totally right to keep it up. And that being said, I decided to compile a list of all the things that labeling marijuana as a Schedule I drug has totally and completely fixed forever and ever, amen.
#4. You Literally Can’t Find Any Pot, And Haven’t Been Able To Since It Was Prohibited In the 1930’s
It might look like by all outward appearances that people have always been able to get their hands on weed. We’ve seen celebrities using it, and we’ve seen presidents who admit to having used it in the past, after it was prohibited. But guess what? That’s all lies and FAKE NEWS! Pot was banned in the U.S. in 1937 and not only has it been impossible to find, no one’s even said the words “marijuana” or “pot” ever again! It’s like magic!
#3. Millions Of People Are Hooked On Narcotics They Might Not Need If They Could Use Weed Legally
Isn’t it way, way better for us to have an opioid crisis in this country than a weed crisis? Isn’t it better for people to be dying of overdoses of prescription pain killers than not dying of an overdose of marijuana because that’s literally impossible? Don’t answer. It’s self evident, Hippy Pete!
#2. All Drug Crime Literally Ended Overnight
I think the best part about marijuana prohibition is that since it’s such a hardcore gateway drug, when we made it illegal, that ended all other drug-related crime. When’s the last time you heard of a drug deal going sour? Or when was the last time you read a news story about a doctor handing out prescriptions like candy or selling their prescription pads? Never, the answer is never, because prohibiting marijuana instantly ended all drug crime for all time.
#1. Everything, Literally, Everything
It’s not just a song, guys. Everything really is fucking awesome! Banning weed literally fixed every single problem facing Americans, and not just when it was prohibited. Banning weed also made it so that there would never be any other problems in this country, either. So all that shit you read in school about World War II, the Vietnam War, Watergate, the Iranian hostage crisis, the Iran Contra affair, all the wars in Iraq, 9/11? It was lies straight from libtarded America. Because once we banned pot, God gave us his official thumbs-up thereby making life perfect forever and ever, amen.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.