A Letter From Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick To President Barack Obama

Howdy Obummer,
Fuck you and your Nazi fascist unconstitutional bullshit godless policies letting trannies in the bathrooms with our women and daughters. I just can’t believe y’all would have the audacity to put the safety of our females at risk by allowing sexual predators to waltz in whenever they feel an urge to put on a wig. DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS.
We Texans will not be blackmailed! First y’all Libruhls go and follow that darn tootin’ Constitution and force God out of our public schools, and now this! Blasphemy! This is our family values you are talkin’ bout. DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS.
I mean, I personally gave Franklin Graham a Bible with the Official Texas State Seal on it to prove to him how much I appreciate his assistance in this moral battle we have decided to fight on behalf of all self-righteous Texans. DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS.
So as far as I am concerned, you Mooslim terrorist sympathizin’ idjut, y’all can keep your thirty pieces of silver. We will not sell our children for money. DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS.



Now, before we have a total hissy fit and secede and form our own Perfect Union, we demand you get off your sanctimonious high horse and send us Federal Dollahs so we can fight this Zika, or I will personally see to it that you are impeached. Do you hear me, Sonny Boy? I say, impeached! How dare y’all place the health and welfare of our fine, upstandin’ pregnant women and all citizens of Texas at risk by withholdin’ Federal Dollahs from us while we are planning to form our own country. DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS.
Why, I have nevah in my entire life heard of such bullshittery as is going on up there in Washington. States’ Rights is what this is all about. We here in Texas feel it is our God Given Right to do as we damn well please, when we damn well please it, and that includes telling you, Sir, to get off your ass and send us a check. Now, don’t do it by Executive Order, because that is an abuse of power, and we and Breitbart will call you out on that quicker than you can say, “fried okra”! So somehow you need to figure out a way to get this fundin’ through Mitch and the rest of the GOP, wave some magic wand and fairy dust, or I myself will come up there and begin the impeachment hearings immediately. It will be a showdown at High Noon! DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS.
In conclusion, you half-witted piece of shit pathetic excuse for a president, quit being a fucking hypocrite, telling US what to do, and let us run our own business down here in the great State Of Texas. We will do things according to God’s Laws, not yours, not the Supreme Court’s, not anyone else’s. And go ahead and sign that check and send it. I’ve included a self-addressed stamped envelope for your convenience. I’m fixin’ to post this all over my Facebook page. DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS.
Thanks Hussein,
Dan
Lt. Governor, Texas
 
 

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