Whoopie. Yay. Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump are going to hold a summit.
Surely if anyone can broker a lasting peace and de-escalate decades of tension it’s the guy who’s only in power on a technicality and the guy who’s only in power because his corrupt dictator dad’s balls. Without any doubt, the guy who tanks every business he puts his name on, and the guy who literally was born in to a corrupt aristocracy will be able to take on this insanely important challenge before them. I have all the confidence in the world that the guy who has already spent a hundred days on the golf course in just over 365 days of president-ing can knock it out of the park with the little authoritarian prince.
Most definitely if there are any pair of humans on the planet who can denuclearize North Korea and establish a good relationship with each other it’s these two blustering, braggadocious dilettantes.
Never mind that Un and Trump are completely and utterly disconnected from the citizens they pretend to lead. Forget that both were born on third and pretend they hit a triple. Forget that both are demonstrably unqualified, inept, fat, lazy stupid motherfuckers. They’ll get it done, ‘Murica, just give ol’ Tiny Hands Don and The Guy Who Thinks Dennis Rodman Is A Statesman enough time, and they’ll fix it all. Seriously. I mean, just because they’re both absolute garbage people supported by garbage people and they clearly can’t do anything without a massive team of handlers and fellow morons, that doesn’t mean that they won’t all of a sudden stop being a pair of pieces of useless, disgusting shit and secure some kind of lasting treaty that has eluded the area for over half a century.
Really, I believe it.
The trust fund racist and the trust fund dictator having a tête-à-tête. How could it not go swimmingly? How could the Petulant Fat Dictator and the Giant Orange Fat Dictator not achieve some kind of historic agreement? If you were a big time Hollywood writer, of course you would write it this way, but you’d never think it could come true!
The two most boisterous fuckwits on the planet are going to talk. They both have nukes. The stage is totally set for a real watershed moment, I’m sure of it.
If you were to ask anyone with an IQ north of their shoe size they’d agree with me — the world absolutely needs to two silver spoon fed douchebags to talk now more than ever. What could possibly come from this summit except a resolution to all our countries’ problems? When you think of rational, sane, mature adult leaders, you think Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un, right?
I mean, look, even if these two inept, corrupt pieces of human detritus do fuck up the whole nuclear treaty thing, that doesn’t mean no progress will be made whatsoever. At the very least they can compare notes on how to pretend to be good at what you’re doing, despite literally all evidence to the contrary. They can learn something from one another.
Of course, there are some dangers I can foresee in this meeting. Namely, people in the room telling the two of them apart. Sure, they speak a different language and look different, but I’m 90% sure Un and Trump are spawned from the same shallow end of the human DNA pool, just continents and decades apart. The similarities between Trump and Un are so numerous it’s pointless to list them. Nothing makes that more obvious than watching the two trade barbs with one another.
Frankly, I’d be a little offended if we didn’t get to see Dotard and Little Rocket Man play pretend world leader. It’s like what would happen if Forrest Gump were elected president of his high school and he had to go meet an Asian Forrest Gump. Then again, I just realized in that story, Forrest actually accomplished things and knew when to give credit to other people and dumb luck instead of pretending he was just born better than everyone else. And I forgot that Forrest actually knew he wasn’t smart, and often said so. I guess this analogy doesn’t work then. Is there anyone dumber than Forrest Gump in American pop culture, though?
Oh, right, it was that guy who got famous for being rich, but couldn’t keep a casino profitable, never pays his bills, and became the butt of a joke so badly he ended up having to be on a shitty reality-TV show for a few years to make himself relevant again. Who was that guy again? I can’t remember his name. Oh well, here’s to two of the biggest pieces of shit meeting to discuss who’s the bigger piece of shit.
Spoiler Alert: Fuck them both.