This satire first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
WACO, TEXAS — Though he’s now the chancellor of Baylor University, Ken Starr was made a household name in America while he was the Republican-picked special counsel investigating President Bill Clinton during the infamous Monica Lewinsky affair.
The argument that Starr made back then, along with the Republicans who hired him, was that justice had been obstructed when Mr. Clinton lied about the oral sex favor he received from Ms. Lewinsky. This week, when being interviewed on CNN, Starr indicated that he didn’t think there was a case that temporary President Donald Trump obstructed justice, however. Mr. Starr pointed to a “stunning lack” of a key component that he was was “integral to the case against President Clinton.”
“Blowjobs,” Mr. Starr told a right-wing radio host after his CNN interview, “there is an absolutely stunning lack of blowjobs in this case. How can Democrats make any kind of sound argument that Trump obstructed justice when there isn’t a single, solitary allegation that he got a personal sexual favor from a consenting adult?”
Starr explained to the radio host that to him, while it appears that Trump “may have tried to impede an FBI investigation into his campaign,” the fact that Trump wasn’t getting a blowjob at the time is a “deal breaker.” Mr. Starr also pointed to a little-known section of the Constitution that deals with impeachment. In it, Starr claims, language exists that changes “high crimes and misdemeanors” as the legal bar for an impeachable offense to “high crimes and misdemeanors while getting a blowjob.”
“I just feel that breaking the law and trying to influence an FBI investigation by itself isn’t obstruction,” Starr said, “but add in the component of oral, and you’ve got a recipe for impeachment pie.”
Starr cautioned Democrats not to go looking for a blowjob in the Trump/Russia affair.
“Because that special language in the Constitution also specifically says only Democrats can actually be impeached,” Starr said.
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Mr. Starr was careful not to insinuate that he had any evidence to exonerate President Trump, as well. He mentioned that while he hasn’t seen any evidence of “elicit” oral sex, a recent cabinet meeting that garnered a lot of publicity showed that “someone’s always sucking him off in that administration.”
“To be fair, after watching that cabinet meeting it’s clear that a lot of people are sucking Trump’s dick,” Starr said, “but if it’s not an adult intern, then I just don’t see how it rises to the same level as Clinton.”
Ultimately, Starr says that if the blowjob dearth doesn’t torpedo the obstruction case against Trump, something else will.
“This whole thing apparently has nothing to do with Benghazi,” Starr said, “and as we all know, blowjobs and Benghazi are literally the only things that matter to good, clean, ammo-hoarding, God fearing, American patriots.”