HOBART, ARKANSAS — Clem O’Connel, 48-year-old dyed in the wool Republican, says he will not vote for Hillary Clinton or any other female for president. His reason?
The dangerous Cooties virus.
“Did you know that Cooties claims the health of one in six children before they’re even twelve years old,” Clem asked reporters at a press conference outside his single-wide trailer. O’Connell says that it’s “well-known, documented scientific fact” that females carry the Cootie gene, and that even thinking about one can result in a person “catching it.”
Mr. O’Connell presented statistics from the World Health-ish Organization that shows Cooties is a rapidly spread disease that is most prevalent among elementary school aged children. The data does seem to suggest, however, that if left untreated, Cooties could remain dormant in an adult’s body for decades. Clem is concerned that if Hillary Clinton is elected, the whole country will get Cooties. He’s also concerned that merely voting for a woman could give Americans Cooties.
“We all now that you can only be inoculated with a Cootie shot,” Clem said, sticking out his right hand and forming it into a syringe shape, “but we also know from our school days that just being near a girl can get you the Cooties virus. So who’s to say voting for one won’t give you full-blown Cooties?”
Beyond the Cooties virus, Clem says that a female president could face other hurdles that he’s not sure women are built to overcome.
“Why would I vote for a girl,” Clem asked rhetorically, asking further, “What if she has to launch a nuclear strike and her boobies get in the way of the big red button?”
Though Ms. Clinton is in her late-60’s and has by all accounts already gone through menopause, Clem is also worried about her “monthly visitor times” effecting her work as president.
“What if she’s in the middle of a peace deal in the Middle East and she gets her monthly visitor times,” Clem asked earnestly.
Ultimately, Clem’s objections to a female president are what he calls “basic and fundamental.”
“Can she really be an effective commander in chief if she has a vagina,” Clem demanded, adding that “we need to ask all the male generals and admirals and stuff first” before the country signs-off on letting a woman decide where to send our troops. Mr. O’Connell says that Hillary’s vagina is already “under suspicion because of Benghazi,” but that even if it were another woman’s vagina, he’s just not sure he’d trust it.
“I mean, as a Republican I’m not even sure a woman should be controlling what happens with her vagina anyway,” Clem said, “so of course I’m really worried about putting a vagina in control of the entire country.”
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