PANAMA BEACH, FLORIDA
In preparation for the upcoming spring break season, the Panama City Beach Health Department has partnered with Sharky’s Lounge to announce a new promotion where women can be fully compliant with new Center for Disease Control suggestions while consuming alcohol by throwing it in free, with purchase of birth control.
“We just thought it would be a nice touch,” says Dr. Gregory Crowder. “Women definitely need to be conscious of their choices and know which one is the right one for them. They need to consult their bartenders to know whether or not a night of partying would be made perfect by a steady stream of Jello shooters or by spacing out shots of Barcardi, or even funneling a beer or two.”
Dr. Crowder says advising women on their various options of alcohol consumption is a “very critical” task, as women making “uninformed decisions” about alcohol can “really ruin a good party or even lead to her friends being forced to leave a bar earlier than expected.” Women consuming alcohol incorrectly can lead to crying, fighting, vomiting, inappropriate flirting with guys or even girls that she would usually have no interest in, and generally being an inconvenience to their friends and boyfriends, Crowder further advised.
In an email to various outlets, Crowder said:
It needs to be made clear to young women, that just because alcohol sounds cool and appears to make life easier and more fun for others, it doesn’t automatically mean that you can just drink whatever you can get your hands on and have everything be perfectly healthy. We need a better, more personalized way of matching every young woman who wants to understand what she puts in her body with a fruity cocktail designed with her in mind. This is one of the most important health decisions she will make in her life, and we want them to know that the CDC is taking this very seriously. God forbid she doesn’t understand how alcohol works and ends up pregnant.
Bar owner Thomas Marlowe says the partnership was his idea, partly because of his beliefs about the restrictions currently placed on alcohol consumption.
“It doesn’t seem right to me that a lot of places don’t allow young people to make certain decisions without their parent’s input,Marlowe said, adding, “or because they live in some puritanical state that thinks that putting this in your body offends Jesus, or because they just can’t afford to get something this critical to their wellbeing.”
Mr. Marlowe continued, “That’s why we don’t check IDs when young ladies come in my bar. All you have to do is walk in and place your order. And if you can’t afford it, we’ll cover. Nothing should stand between a young woman and something as important as Thirsty Thursdays or Two for Tuesdays.”
The plan is currently backed by the Better Business Bureau and the Board of Economic Development. When reached for comment, Board Chairman Jerome Gibson was quoted as saying “This idea was a wonderful step forward for this community. We cannot move forward into the next few generations without some kind of practical plan for women’s choice without more concerted efforts between women and their bartenders. For far too long, we’ve seen women have to live with lifelong consequences of a bad choice that they made one night because they didn’t know that they had better options. Well enough is enough. No more ‘Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear’. No more ‘Vodka can’t give you a hangover’. No more ‘Tequila makes her clothes fall off’. We’ve all had enough. ”
When asked whether or not the idea would spread, Dr. Crowder was very optimistic. “If more communities had programs in place like this, ” he warned, “we wouldn’t see so many young people making such terrible decisions about their future out of panic and ignorance. You hear horror stories about women worrying that they showed up too late so they take a bunch of Vegas Bombs, and I’d like to think we’re helping prevent that kind of bad decision by educating the public on how to appropriate handle themselves when those situations occur.”
The promotion starts March 15th. Mr. Marlowe is planning on a huge response and has already started hiring additional help. “I’m currently in the process of putting on a few more part time workers. It’s a good way for them to get a little extra cash and it keeps the pressure off the bartenders, who are really going to be putting in a lot of work. The extra guys will be sweeping floors, washing dishes, helping unload crates, and handing out the free medicine that the guys from the health department were talking about. Stuff that it shouldn’t really take much real training to do, you know?”