Dear Hipster Nazi Party,
Hey — thanks for being dumb enough to be caught on tape spouting undeniably antisemitic shit. Thanks for being proud enough of your racism and skin color to boldly throw your hands up in the air in a Nazi salute over and over again while being dumb enough to be caught on tape spouting undeniably antisemitic shit. But, um, also:
Fuck your face.
This is America, assholes. Sure, we do things the wrong way a lot. We committed genocide on the natives. We enslaved black people for centuries. We, however, have never suffered Nazis in this country. In fact, we sent a whole lot of our young men off to Europe to kill them. America actually rallied around itself for the sole purpose of wiping out Adolf Hitler. So if you think for a hot minute you’re not going to get screamed at for your bullshit Nazi stuff, you’re sorely mistaken.
The thing is, you special fascist snowflakes, you “won” the election by way of the Electoral College. That’s like taking your sister to prom. Which of course is why all of you probably enjoy it so much. But the simple truth is that literally millions of American voters rejected Donald Trump. So you’re still very much so in the minority.
It’s hilarious to me that you guys act like your skin tone makes you smarter than everyone else, and you’re not fucking smart enough to make sure there was no video being shot of your Nazi Fun Times. Did you not pay attention to 2012 and Mitt Romney’s woes? You just made his “47 Percent” video look like a re-run of “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.”
It’s probably also a really good time to remind you guys what happened the last time people called themselves Nazis on this planet. We bombed the living shit out of them and teamed up with the whole world to snuff Nazism out. We ran your boy Adolf underground with his girlfriend and the coward didn’t even have the shriveled sack it takes to face justice. He put a bullet in his brain rather than go to trial for his multiple crimes.
I’m positive that a lot of you straight-up deny the Holocaust. My vaguely Jewish looking name got me all kinds of hate tweets from you fucks during the election, and a lot of it was to tell me that the Holocaust never happened. Well, that’s all well and good, and you can believe whatever you want about that, no matter how stupid it makes you look to sentient life forms. But you cannot deny your dude got his ass handed to him eventually, and the same fate awaits any of you pukes you think we’re going to sit back and take your abuse this century.
Oh, and I’m not even Jewish, so it just goes to show what complete and utter slack-jawed fuckwits you really are to harass people like me based on what you think our heritage is.
You can make an argument that even we liberals have to accept that Trump is our president. Of course he is. He won the election as the rules were written all those years ago. So yes, we should recognize him as the legitimate president he is. However, if you want us to goosestep to the beat of his drum with you, you can piss off. None of us will cower. None of us will hide away. You cannot and will not silence us.
Now, the current Big Nazi Asshole In The Guard Tower, Richard Spencer, has said that the Nazi salutes we saw in the video of him, wherein he used actual Nazi propaganda to speak about the press remember, were “irony.” He said, basically, that those of you who shot your arm up like the brown shirted dickholes in Nazi Germany did were doing to as harmless shenanigans. You know, like we’re all given to fits of boisterous fascism like you are.
You all know who you are. You know what you’re doing. Steve Bannon being in the White House isn’t going to help you. Your president is a tool. He’s a poser. He used you, and now he just disavowed you to The New York Times. Something tells me before he’s even sworn-in Bannon will be out on his ass. You see, Nazi Fucks, Trump may be a racist. He’s most certainly done some truly discriminatory stuff in his day, but at heart he’s an egomaniac.
Once he really and truly processes whatever popular vote margin Hillary got over him, he’ll want to be the good guy again. He just figured out he could cozy up to you deplorable maggot sacks and win. But now? He doesn’t need you and he’ll drop you like one of his former trophy wives, mark my words.
The best thing to me about you rising up like the unflushable turds you are right now is that it’ll make it extremely easy to stamp you out. You really think you can gain audience with Congress, even a Republican controlled one? Your alleged fuhrer just unplugged you from his orbit, at least publicly. So if he’s dumb enough to deal with you in private, that will get out too, and you’ll all be taken down like so many U-boats at the hands of allied torpedoes.
Your reputations are now forever tarnished. You’re like David Duke on steroids. And the best part is that it’ll all be for nothing. You will lose. You’re outnumbered. So thanks for tipping us off to just how repulsive and horrid you are. It’ll make seeing you taste your own dicks that much more enjoyable, Nazi Stooges.
I’m sorry that you think we’ll just sit idly by and let you run your red, white, and black flag with a broken cross up our flagpoles. I’m sorry that you think in 2016 we’re not going to stamp you the fuck out. I don’t give a good goddamn if our orange skinned asshole in chief does a thing about it. The American people will not suffer you hipster twats yanking us back to 1930’s Germany, full stop.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.