GOP Subcommittees Meet with Jesus To Establish Party Platform

The GOP subcommittees are partying like it’s 1965! With all the pressing issues in the world today, the Republicans are really stepping up to the plate and addressing the substantive problems that face our nation. I’m following this shitshow on Twitter, and honestly, it’s a dumpster fire.
They started by hopping on their wi-fi with the password “Teamwork is $$$” and got down to business. (@ZekeJMiller @Time)
First on GOP subcommittee agenda was the uber-urgent not already decided by the Supreme Court issue of same-sex marriage. This was handled by the Healthcare, Education, and Crime Subcommittee, of course, who will not allow cameras in their meetings in order to keep the wonkier ideas off television. Because these are the sane ones! The members began by introducing themselves based on their personal relationships with Jesus, which should pretty much tell you all you need to know about the rest of this session. They completely rejected the proposal to recognize LGBT status, and in doing so, killed their chances of staying relevant in this century. If you can’t solve your religion’s decline via the church, legislate it! It’s obviously been effective so far, right?
Some genius invited Tony Perkins to this party, and he introduced a conversion therapy amendment. “We support the right of parents to determine the proper treatment or therapy, for their minor children.” However, he missed the deadline to pre-file it, but he can still bring it up from the floor. That’s a relief, because for a moment I was worried this all-out war on LGBTQ was going to go bust.



Then the subcommittee voted in favor of keeping language in support of bathroom legislation a la North Carolina, citing safety issues. Despite vocal debate, it was finally determined that fake medical groups and Breitbart were favored over facts and police department records. I’m not sure where they stand on gender ID cards, but I’m sure Pat McCrory will be glad to offer his popular and relevant advice.
Despite overwhelming evidence that Red States are the biggest consumers of Internet pornography, the committee went on to add an anti-Internet porn amendment. I guess they are serious about this pro-life thing after all. Save the sperm!
Later, an argument ensued over whether the Bible should be taught as part of American History or Literature. What in the actual fuck? For the record, there was no discussion about the Qur’an, the Tipitaka, the Torah…Freedom of Religion!
Another GOP Platform draft: “We both encourage the preservation of heritage tongues and support English as the nation’s official language.” (@jwpetersNYT) What, white as an official color didn’t make it? This can’t be!
Some innocent newbie, who missed the memo between the 2012 autopsy and the current campaign, mentioned she was here “trying to bring in minorities”.  (@igorbobic @huffpost) My thoughts and prayers are with her.
Per a release: Aerial banners with words “Rescue Unborn Children” and a photo of an aborted fetus will be flown over downtown Cleveland during the convention. This will be quite welcoming to the visitors.
I will wrap up this summary with the most inspired quote from this morning I have seen, from Alaska’s RNC Platform Committee member Jim Crawford: “What I see in Donald Trump is Reagan.” (@svdate @huffpost) I have no comment.

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