It’s hard to believe that it’s been a month since Donald Trump took office, mainly because it feels like it’s been a century. In that time we’ve already seen one of his top advisers break federal law by pimping Trump’s daughter’s merch and his national security adviser have to quit in disgrace over rapidly swirling rumors involving him, the Russians, and sanctions over that country’s meddling in our election last year. And that’s not all, not by a rural American mile.
We’ve seen him bullying private companies on Twitter in a way that Obama would have been impeached for even joking about. We’ve seen him have early morning tweet tantrums about SNL skits. We’ve seen him lie repeatedly, over and over again, about illegal immigrants voting en masse. We’ve seen him not mention Jews in his Holocaust remembrance speech, and his education department has misspelled a seminal African American civil rights icon’s name during black history month.
If we took the time now to list all the fuck-ups of the first month of Trum’s tenure, we’d never get to this list we created for you. It’s a few things we think the Trump team will set as goals for themselves in their second month as the most powerful group of people in the…gulp…free world.
#1. Teach Trump How To Shake People’s Hands Without Making It Look Like He Wants To Steal Their Much Larger Hands
By now, it’s become a pretty consistent observation: Whoever taught Donald Trump how to shake hands fucked it all up. The best way I’ve heard it described is by my wife, who said upon seeing him shake Prime Minister Abe’s hand this week, “It looks like he’s trying to steal the other person’s hand because he can’t believe it’s so much bigger than his, and he wants to steal it.” I mean, seriously, watch this montage of Trump hand shakes and tell me my wife isn’t spot on.
#2. Have Fewer People Quit In Disgrace
In less than a month since his inauguration, Sub-President Douchebag has had two very high ranking administration officials quit, and one before he was even confirmed by the Senate. We all know that Mike “Comrade” Flynn had to resign after it became obvious he likes borscht a little too much. And then there’s Andy Puzder, Trump’s pick for Labor Secretary who had to quit before the Senate confirmed him because, in part, Oprah Winfrey had tape from the 1990’s of Puzder’s wife making explosive allegations of abuse against him on Winfrey’s show. So maybe team Trump could just work on keeping a couple of their members from having to quit in disgrace? We won’t hold our breath.
#3. Only Retweet White Supremacists With Over 100k Twitter Followers
Kellyanne Conway recently made headlines when, on Valentine’s Day, she retweeted someone with a timeline and Twitter bio chock-full of racist and white supremacist bullshit, which of course set Trump off, we’re sure. It’s standing Trump administration policy to only retweet rando Nazis if they have at least 100,000 Twitter followers. It’s stupid to risk it retweeting racists no one really likes. But if you can retweet racists that are loved by a lot of other racists? GOLD.
#4. Grab Way More Pussies
I gotta be honest — when Trump was elected I was really not very happy. But the one thing I could rest my head on every night was knowing that after January 20th, 2017, there would be way, way more pussies grabbed in this country. But truth to be told, I haven’t seen a single, solitary news story about Trump or anyone even in his inner circle grabbing a woman forcefully by the genitalia. And just what is the purpose of electing an open, avowed, admitted, serial sexual predator if he’s not going to grab some pussies during his stay in the Oval Office? Get on it, Donny!
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.