Gary Johnson’s Guide To What Aleppo Is

A primer on Aleppo for Gary Johnson.

Far be it from me to join an Internet dogpile…lol, j/k. Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson might be reconsidering his enthusiastic attempt to get onto the main debate stage with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump after completely flubbing the question of what he’d do about Aleppo. In case you missed it, Gary literally asked, “What is Aleppo?” of the Morning Joe gang when asked, and it touched off an Internet cavalcade of trolling him.

But back-off, trolls! Gary might have gone temporarily spacey on the question, but he definitely knows what Aleppo is. It’s just that like any good libertarian, he gets his information from libertarian-approved sources like Alex Jones, or pretty much anything other than a textbook because he don’t need no damn government education. As it turns out, Gary was just confused because several different people had told him several different things about Aleppo and what it was, and he just couldn’t pick.

We reached out to Johnson and he gave us the following, which he said were his notes on a guide to Aleppo he had been given by his campaign staff.



Gary,

We asked around and none of us have read about Aleppo on Breitbart, Reason, or 4chan. So we put together the best guesses we could come up with. Some of them we know are off the wall, but hey, at least if you memorize these, you won’t be caught off guard without some kind of answer in an interview or something. LOL! Like that would happen! You’re a libertarian. We’re the smartest fucking people in politics. That’s why all our ideas are 150 years old and didn’t work back then!

Possible ideas as to what Aleppo is:

  1. It’s A Special Home Depot For Lepers!
  2. It’s A Bomb Strain Of The Fattest Kush
  3. It’s A New Right-Wing Think Tank Pushing A Flat Tax That Would Blow A Massive Hole In Our Deficit
  4. It’s Where The Term “Cuck” Was Used By The Very First Alt-Right Politico Ever
  5. It’s The Mystery Ingredient In Donald Trump’s MeatLoaf
  6. It’s The Reason We Gotta End The Fed, Maaaan
  7. It’s That Online Retailer Where You Get Really Good Deals On Shoes
  8. It’s A Longer Jump
  9. It’s An Acryonym Meaning “American Leppo”
  10. If You Don’t Know, Then I’m Not Going To Tell You

We are positive that if you just memorize these ten answers, you’ll never be caught unprepared on the issue of what Aleppo is. We’ll definitely keep looking. Hopefully Glen Beck or Allen West will talk about Aleppo soon, so we know what we’re supposed to think about it. Then we’ll provide you with what to say to appease our echo chambers we swear up and down don’t exist but actually totally do.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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