It’s finally here! The first debate between Hillary Rodham Clinton and Donald “Turd In A Suit” Trump is here! No more jabs on Twitter, and the surrogates will have to cede the floor to the candidates themselves.
A lot of websites will have cute, fun drinking games for you to play…stuff like “Take a shot when Trump says ‘Yuge'” abounds. But I think what I’ve come up with here could be just as fun and entertaining to play with friends, coworkers, or mutual, sworn enemies. Your call there. And now, enjoy the Modern Liberals First Clinton/Trump Debate Drinking Game.
- Every Time Donald Trump Lies, Sniff Your Shot
Seriously, if you actually take a shot every time he lies, you’ll be dead before his opening statement concludes.
- Whenever Hillary Clinton Has To Take About A Scandal That’s Been Investigated For More Than Two Years, With Nothing To Show, Take A Shot.
Finally, all the money spent on investigating Everything-Ghazi won’t have been a total waste!
- Every Time Donald Trump Says Something That Is 100% Factually Accurate, Take A Shot.
You’ve never been so sober in your entire life.
- Whenever Donald Trump says he can fix the economy for the working class and/or he can make the planet safer, take a big hit off your crack pipe.
This way, you’ll be on the exact same wavelength as everyone who actually believes it.
- If Hillary Clinton Has A Coughing Fit, Followed By Her Eyes Twitching, And Her Entire Body Exploding Into A Cloud of Parkinson’s And Vince Foster’s Entrails, Smoke A Joint
Because very honestly, shit will have gotten so weird you’re probably going to want something a little stronger than booze.
- Take a Shot Whenever Trump Breathes Through The Side Of His Teeth Before Lying Straight Through Them
Sure, you’ll have alcohol poisoning before the debate’s through, but ask yourself…will you really miss anything?
- Live-Tweet Bonus: Any Time A Trump Supporter With “Deplorable” In Their Name Posts A Racist Or Islamaphobic Meme, Chug A Beer
Just make sure it’s a horrible, watered down, piss-tasting domestic brew with an American flag theme or motif.
- When Gary Johnson Or Jill Stein Streak Nude Across The Stage With “Stop Ignoring Us!” Sandwich Boards Covering Their Junk, Take A Shot
To be fair to Gary and Jill, not including them in the debates is pretty silly if you consider yourself remotely a supporter of democracy (insert snide comments about the U.S. not being a Democracy here).
- Every Time The Moderator Mistakes A Fart In The Room For Trump Speaking, Pass A Shot To Your Friend
The intellectual content of both would be exactly equal.
- Whenever Trump Mentions One His Self-Branded Products, Douche Your Mouth With A Colostomy Bag
That way you’ll know what his steaks and water taste like, and the feeling that’s left after you stay at one the hotels he stiffed the builders out of money he owed them.
- If Hillary Clinton Says Anything That Sounds “Too” Liberal, Take A Shot
We all know Ms. Clinton has already done her General Election pivot. Then again, does she need to keep energizing her base after a couple weeks of scary polling?
- When Trump Removes The Human Mask He’s Been Wearing And Reveals The Angry Orangutan Underneath, Hoist A Stein To Odin
I don’t know, dude. There are only a couple hours before the debate and I’m still writing this piece of shit, so maybe I’m just throwing stuff and seeing what sticks, okay man? Back off, maaaaaaannnnn.
- When The FBI Storms The Stage, Handcuffs Hillary And Takes Her Away To The Gulag, Raise Your Arm 45-Degrees Toward Trump
Hail, Victory! Hail, Trump! Hail The Rise of Gross White Nationalism!
- If You Make It Through The Debate Sober Whether You Played A Drinking Game Or Not, GO GET FUCKING WASTED
Okay, okay if you have a chemical dependency problem, that’s a fucked-up way to end this drinking game. But barring that — if you can get through almost two hours of Trump talking and Hillary having to defend against every stupid accusation from the alt-right under the sun, you deserve to get absolutely knackered afterward. You also probably deserve a medal of honor or some shit.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.